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The First Day of My New Job…

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First days at new jobs are typically pretty lame, and while this one had it’s high points, it held true. For starters, I’m a week and half behind in training. This is due to when they hired me. Not my fault. I’d like to go over a few things today that kind of made me smile, or just annoyed me for your entertainment.

When I got there, I met the store manager. I have a funny story about that, but ask me to email it to you. I won’t dare post it in case he reads it, and I’d be fired. Anyway, we get into his office and he starts going over some paperwork and training stuff with me. Important stuff, I imagine. Somehow, the talk turned towards medical conditions, and I mentioned I had the diabetes. Turns out, he does too. Training material? Funk that, lets talk diabetes. So we did. We went over paperwork for 15 minutes, and diabetes for 45. I don’t think he got around to half the stuff he wanted to.
Then I had to watch videos. I don’t really care for training videos, because it’s all the the same stuff at every company. Don’t steal, be on time, wear gloves if someone bleeds on the floor and vehemently deny any responsibility for any accident that might ever occur in your store. However, today I saw a sexual harassment video that……..Drumroll……ACTUALLY USED THE WORD “SLUT”! Two guys were standing over a magazine, and one of them looked at the other and said, “She looks like a real slut.” It was hands down the greatest moment that I have ever not been able to laugh at. It also used the phrase, “You got any fries with that shake?” It was very classy.
As I was doing a walk through of the store with the manager, he turns to me out of the blue and says, “By the way, when you get the chance to buy some ties, make sure they’re longer. GQ recommends the widest part of the tie hitting you in the bellybutton.” Hey. ASS. You got me here in a tie, don’t push your luck. I mean, I’m fat! My ties don’t do that! So now I have to go find longer ties. They’ll probably make me pay extra.
All in all, it was a lame day. But I think I may like the job, if I can get people to like me for my little ties. Also, in one of the training vids, I found out that tears are a biohazard. So if any little kid starts crying in my department, I’m gonna stuff them in a bag and seal it up with tape. After all, I have to protect the people.
Anyone else need a good person to deliver pizzas or mop the floor in strip joints? I think I may be considering…