Skip to content

Things I’ve Learned from The Shank

Icon18 Email

My buddy Kid Funk got a new grill for his birthday, and I went over yesterday to help him set it up. Okay, I didn’t really help too much, mostly just gave him nuts and bolts when he hollered for them. Let me tell ya, that grill is nice. Kudos to his parents for gettin it for him. The first thing we cooked on it? Hot dogs, smoked sausages, chili and jalapenos. Those peppers were awesome. I heart his grill.

As we were finishing up the movie Juno, he had a quote that has to be shared. This isn’t on topic, but it was hilarious. “If I was a woman, as good as they are with scars these days, I’d just have a C-section. I don’t even like takin big dumps, really.” That was classic Funk.
After dinner, we were flippin through channels, and saw that The Shawshank Redemption (aka The Shank) was coming on. This movie is incredible. If you haven’t seen it, you may as well stop reading, because you aren’t going to get anything out of this post. It’s a classic great movie, starring Tim Robbins, Morgan Freeman and Bob Gunton. I won’t give any plot points away here, but there may be some given away in the “what I’ve learned” section. SEE THIS MOVIE!!!
Things I’ve Learned from The Shank:
1. The first one goes to Kid Funk. In prison, you should always have a hobby that will eventually help you escape.
2. If you go to prison, you should see if Morgan Freeman is there. If he’s not, you should befriend an old black man. Preferably one who admits his guilt for his crime. The wisdom of these men can’t be overlooked, and they will eventually get you pictures of half naked chicks for your cell, which will come in handy on particularly lonely nights, or iffen you’re digging a large hole in your wall.
3. After you finish digging a tunnel to get out, and you’re feeling a bit cramped in it, get sent to the hole for a couple of months. It will help you shed those pesky pounds and get you in prime tunnel crawling shape. Plus it really adjusts your night vision.
4. Always get the cell at the end of the row completely by chance.
5. If a gay bully asks you in the shower if anyone has gotten to you yet, tell him, “Yes, thank you, someone has.” Andy didn’t do this, and it may have saved him a lot of time tryna not get raped in the laundry room if he had. Also, make sure you have a good line memorized about bite reflexes. This movie could have turned into a most hated if Andy hadn’t done that.
6. Write a letter a week to SOMEONE while you’re in jail. They will eventually send you a check, and some books for a library, which will turn you into a hero.
7. If a guy comes in and claims to know the person that framed you for the crime you didn’t commit, run. Tell him to never talk to you again, and certainly don’t become friends with him and administer a GED test to him. You are guaranteeing his death.
8. Always hide tools for escaping in the Bible. No one will ever actually open it to find those tools.
9. Try to pick your night for crawling through the sewer with care. Taco night, for example, would be a bad night. Also chili night, beans night, nacho night, Chinese night, any meal with asparagus night and tamale night would be bad ideas. Come to think of it, just try to find another pipe to crawl through.
10. Finally; Try not to cry on the first night. I’m not sure how the guards today are, but it got that fat guy killed. Being husky myself, I took offense to that. Rough him up a bit, take away dessert for a week, stuff like that. Don’t beat him to death with a baton. That’s lame.
All in all, there are probably many more lessons we can each take from this wonderful cinematic achievement. If you haven’t seen the movie, please do so. You will love it. Also, feel free to add things that you’ve learned from the movie as comments to this post!