(I had this post all typed up today, then hit the publish button only to realize that I had disconnected from the Internets to type it up. It goes without saying…the post was lost. Also, I was pissed. So here is take 2, which will undoubtedly be less funny than the first. That’s how the sugar free cookie crumbles.)
It has come to my attention that I have too much free time.
This discovery happened last night at around 7:30 when I turned to The Missus and said, “It looks like I’m gonna be in bed by 8 again.”
No answer. Because she was already asleep on the couch.
I’m not sure what the word is to describe us, but I think “pathetic” does it nicely.
Folks, I am 26 years old, with no kids, my job is not stressful, I don’t get up at 4 in the morning to go to said job, and I don’t have insomnia. Every once in a while I’ll cut a mean fart in bed that will keep me up for 10 minutes or so, you know, to appreciate it, but that’s about it.
Last night made 2 out of the last 3 nights that I’ve gone to bed at 8. It’s getting ridiculous.
It’s not like we have the money to just go out on the town, and even if we did, Wagoner, OK is not known for it’s swanky night life. The Taco Bell stays open till 11, but if you go anytime after 9, they’ll say they’re out of beans, meat, cheese and tortillas.
So here is what I need. A second job. Nothing that keeps me out late, but something that keeps me up until a reasonable fracken bed time. Instead of actually looking for a job though, I am going to make a list of things I’m good at, as well as things I’m bad at, and you all are going to process it, then call any relatives you might have down here, and tell them to hire me. A bonus to this is, if I have a second job, I will probably have funny things happen to me, which will in turn bring a lot of joy to you, the reader.
Here goes.
Things I’m good at:
Fishing
Eating
Pooping
Giving my opinion
Borrowing money
Pizza buffets
Having diabetes
Using chopsticks
Making you laugh
The lovin
Being fat
Watching T.V.
Sitting for long periods
Kicking kittens and old people
Biting things
Yelling
Cooking
Sunburning
Spelling
Things I’m bad at:
Being skinny
Having low blood sugar
Running
Eating cauliflower
Multiplication with a number over 11
Division with any number bigger than 0
Subtraction
Algebra
Geometry
Calculus
Credit checks
Drinking
Physical labor
Mental labor
Keeping my mouth shut
Not laughing
There ya have it. That’s my lists. Chew on those things, then call your uncle/aunt/grandmother/grandfather/mom/dad/sister/brother/friend/best friend/guy from high school/girl from high school/girl you banged once but kind of like because she had a cute body, but she also had a kid which made you wonder whether or not she was just wanting a daddy for her baby/guy you banged once but you kind of like because he was…ahem…blessed, but he also had that funny bump not really ON anything, but kind of close so you don’t know whether or not it’s really safe and you’re STILL waiting on those test results, and tell them you have the man for the job.
Unless that job is eating cauliflower. You get me that job, I will come and bite you.
That’s real.
(You have less than 7 hours to get your questions in for Meet the Missus! Go HERE to ask them, or just send me an email! I NEED MORE QUESTIONS!!!)