So I’m sick. It’s so lame. Allergies and what not.
I also know that I told you I wasn’t going to post again till I got 25 comments on the last post, so I’m just gonna hope that y’all take care of that.
Anyway, when I’m sick, I like to eat. When I’m well I like to eat. Usually, I just like to eat. Just thought you should know that.
I decided that I was going to have some chili dogs. I heart chili dogs. I have a thing about the chili I like on my hot dogs though. I don’t like the “good” stuff. I love the 49 cents a can Hot Dog Chili Sauce. Disgusting, right? I don’t think so.
While my chili dogs were cooking, I got to reading the can. I really try not to let my eyes wonder down to the ingredient list, because really, no one wants to know what “chili sauce” is made of. As some of you may know, Wal-Mart recently changed the labels on all their cheap food. Great Value and what not. You walk in there now, it’s like a sea of blue and white labels just hit you in the face. Toss that in with a few mullets, a few sleeveless t-shirts, and a naked crying baby, and you’ll get the picture of what it’s like in my hometown Wally World.
So I’m reading the label and I come across this:
“Rich. Tasty. Guaranteed. Return the unused portion with receipt for a replacement or your money back.”
I’m gonna do my best to break this conversation down for you. I’ve worked at WM before, and I have some knowledge of how this would go.
“Hi, I’d like to return this open can of chili.”
“Ma’am, we can’t take this back, because it’s open.”
“Well, it says on the label that you’ll take it back.”
“Can I ask what’s wrong with it?”
“It don’t taste right.”
“Ma’am, it’s a 49 cent can of God knows what tossed in a can.”
“Now don’t start gettin smart with me!”
“Do you have your receipt?”
“No, I ain’t got my damn receipt. I tossed it with them bags.”
“Ma’am, it plainly says on the label that you need your receipt.”
“Well I don’t have it! I just want my money back!”
“Ma’am, excuse me, but I can’t do that. I need a receipt.”
“I WANNA TALK TO A MANAGER!”
“Okay ma’am, hang on.”
[manager enters]
“Ma’am, what’s the problem?”
“This chili don’t taste right. I want my money back.”
“Do you have your receipt?”
“No! I done told this girl I don’t haves it.”
“Ma’am, it’s open. I can’t return an open can of chili.”
“It says on the label you do!”
“Okay, ma’am, I’m not supposed to do this without a receipt, but I’m gonna make an exception in your case. Just remember your receipt next time, okay?”
“Whatever.”
[manager leaves]
Cashier: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I can’t give you cash back. Would you like this on a gift card?”
Yeah… That’s pretty much how that would go. So Wal-Mart, lets just not put that on any more labels, mmmkay? I mean, seriously. I’m never going to want my money back on a 49 cent can of God knows what. I promise you this.
While we’re at it, can we just burn down the store in Muskogee? Geez. I will never go back in there again. I don’t think you needed to remodel, and your pharmacy is a box with holes cut for windows. I’ve seen better built tree houses. Give us a break.
So, I know you all hope I’ll get better soon, and I know you’ll all be wanting to send me flowers. I’d ask that in lieu of that, just send me a bunch of cans of chili sauce, hmmm?