Okay… In case you haven’t figured it out from the title, I’m talking about the VMA’s. I just watched them, and all I have to say is… Not Classy. Not in any way, shape or form.
I want to get started by ripping Kayne West. Kayne, this is an honor, and obviously, since you DIDN’T WIN ANYTHING, your only honor. Why can’t you just shut the hell up? Can I ask you that personally? The next time you win something, I hope some retard can get through security and basically tell you that you didn’t deserve it. That poor girl (Taylor Swift) is like 7 years old. She’s standin up there in here dress that she didn’t get until 2 DAYS AGO, (I know because I follow her on Twitter, shut up.) and she’s thrilled to have won something, and you get up there and make a jackass out of yourself. I am sick of hearing you talk, and I hope you choke on your pride. Preferably before I have to hear you or see you again. You’re a douche, sir. Not classy.
Second is Michael Jackson. Now. He made good music. I know that. I like his music, I have some on my IPod. However. If I touched a bunch of boys, and then I died, what do you think people would say about me? Yeah… That’s right. You’re thinkin it, aren’t you? It’s probably not very nice, either. I’m just sayin. The man wrote some good music, but he was still a PERVERT. Not cool. (Iunderstand that some of you think he was innocent on them charges. That is your opinion, just like this is mine, and I respect that.)
Russell Brand? Geez, man. You clung to MJ’s name like it was a life preserver. Any time the crowd got a little riled up, you started saying Michael Jackson like it was the opening line to a Hail Mary. You’re not really that funny of a guy without writers, are you Mr. Brand? I liked you in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but that’s about it. Stop talking about Katie Perry, and stop referencing your genitalia every time you get on stage. You’re a douche, sir. Not classy.
Lady Gaga? I’ve got to admit, before tonight, I found you attractive. I also loved your music, to an extent. Can I ask you something though? Why did you have a white Christmas wreath on your face? Why did you have a mask on? Why did you have a red thing on it? Did you misread your invitation? Did someone tell you it was a costume party? Also, why did you bleed and hang yourself on stage? You brought my expectations of performing to a new low, Lady Gaga. Here’s the thing. My wife thinks you are a man. So do a lot of other people. I happen to think that when you aren’t wearing the entire nativity set on your face, you are pretty hot. So, I have to know. Do you have a wiener, Lady Gaga? Are you gonna make me question whether or not I’m gay? Also, dedicating your award to “God and the gays,” may not have been the coolest move. Not classy.
Jack Black? You’re a tool. You prayed to SATAN. I know that lots of you fancy schmancy Hollywood types don’t think he’s real. Just wait. Not classy.
Green Day. You guys rock. Keep it up.
Jay Z, you are quite possibly the coolest person on the face of this planet. I’m going to spend the next 2 weeks practicing your little “hat toss” move. That was so cool. Also, I’d like to get a camera crew to follow me around. You are a classy man, Jay Z…
…Which brings me to my next and final rant. It’s really not even a rant. Beyonce, you are by and far the classiest lady I have ever seen. Not bad lookin, to boot. I happen to like Swift’s music a little more, but that’s a personal preference. However, having her come out to say her thank yous while it was your turn for winning freakin ALBUM OF THE YEAR? Classy. Classy through and through. I wish more people could be like that, and you deserved your win. I hope your musical career continues to grow and have amazing success. If you and Jay Z have a child, it will be the coolest child on the planet, no doubt. Once again, classy.
Eminem: Classy, but in a weird, “I might kill someone if I win” way. Chill out.
Guy who wore glitter: Not classy. Kind of gay.
Kristen Stewart: Why the hell did you cut your hair?!?!? Not classy. Or cute.
Robert Pattinson: The only reason I tolerate you is because of Twilight.
Madonna: I just can’t call you classy. Ever. Not since those cone things.
2 little kids that gave Taylor Swift props: Classy. But aren’t you too young to be there?
Pink: Kinda cool, but not classy.
Brittany Spears: Is that seriously how you dance when it’s not choreographed? Not classy.
Megan Fox: I don’t know what you were wearing…but damn. You’re a cool drink of water.
Alicia Keys: One earring the size of a basketball hoop. Not classy.
MTV: Next year, can we just have 2 and a half hours of Beyonce and Jay Z? That’d be wicked cool. And classy.
That’s really all I have, folks. Just my opinions, really. I am still so pissed at that Kayne bastard. I feel like making one of those gay videos that were popular a while back where the ol dude was screamin about leaving Brittany Spears alone. I might do that. “LEAVE TAYLOR SWIFT ALONE!” Naw, I really won’t. But still.