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Conversations With Kid Funk.

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On Bacon In Heaven:

KF: If there is bacon in heaven, I bet it’s slab peppered bacon.
Me: And I bet it’s half an inch thick. Probably made by Blue and Gold.
KF: Made by jesus. Who may or may not make Blue and Gold.
Me: That’s real. You gotta capitalize Jesus though, man.
KF: Jesus Christ. Happy?
Me: Well. I mean, He is, I’m sure. Your phone doesn’t automatically capitalize it?
KF: Nope.
Me: Well, let he who’s phone hath no sin cast the first stone, I guess.

On Really Good Chili:

KF: Quick chili is amazing. Imma do that for sure next time. Just cook it all in a pan and get it ready, then toss it is a crock pot with the veggies and let that shiz melt into butter like chili.
Me: And invite me over.
KF: Yep. Imma have to wait at least a week before I can eat chili again. Woo.
Me: I’ve got gas like you wouldn’t believe. I’ve just been holding them in all day. It’s brutal.
KF: I’m at the part where you’re done shittin and you just don’t wanna wipe. Just wanna set there.
Me: Where it just takes all your moxy.
KF: All of it… Leaves you makin poor decisions the rest of the day.
Me: “I probably should invest it all in high risk. I mean, it’s just my life’s savings…”

On Head Country Salsa:

KF: I want to write a letter to Head Country. “Hey guys. We need to have a talk about your salsa.”
Me: Yep. Stick to the sauce.
KF: “Although I haven’t tried it on ribs, I feel in whole that your salsa is a fail. That’s the best you could do, that’s the best recipe you had before canning and selling it?”
Me: “With all due respect for your fine BBQ sauce, we’d like you to take all that salsa, and shove it up the development teams ass. Go on, it’s not even that spicy.”

Me later on: Peter Griffin weighs 270 pounds. I’m almost 100 pounds heavier than Peter Griffin…