Well, the year is ending.
As far as years go, it’s been pretty lame. But I can tell you this, it has been a HELL of a lot better than last 2008. I was so happy that 08 was over, I did a little dance last New Years.
A lot of people would say that this year was pretty bad because of all the money things, but I have to tell you, when you start out broke and finish broke, the stock market crashing isn’t something you notice.
Either way, there was something I did gain in ’09.
Weight.
I know this may come as a shock to some of you, but yeah. I did.
My body and mind hashed this out the other day, and I’m going to give you a snippet of the conversation.
Mind: Hey. Fatass.
Body: What up?
Mind: You see how I just called you fatass and you responded?
Body: Dang. I did, huh?
Mind: You did. Listen. Either way, we’re going on a diet.
Body: Like hell we are.
Mind: I’m serious. You have a problem, and it’s getting worse.
Body: You have a problem.
Mind: Really? You’re gonna do this again? Can’t we just talk about it?
Body: You’re gonna do this again.
Mind: Well, I’m still going to say my piece. We’re going on a diet, and it’s going to be drastic.
Body: No. We’re not. You’re gay. How drastic?
Mind: All liquids, very low calorie.
Body: No man. Liquid? Like shakes and stuff? Like milkshakes? Egg nog, maybe?
Mind: Not at all. Like, 800 calories a day.
Body: Do you know that we normally eat about 4000?
Mind: Trust me, I know.
Body: Do you know that’s like a bazillion less?
Mind: It’s not quite tha…
Body: IT’S A BAZILLION YOU STUPID BASTARD!
Mind: Geez. It’s a lot. I know.
Body: No. We won’t do it. I will cause a mutiny down here, you don’t even know. I will make you shit yourself. In public.
Mind: No you will not.
Body: I will. Twice, if you want to push me.
Mind: Just so you know, you won’t be able to do that if I’m drinking all liquids.
Body: Hard ons.
Mind: What?
Body: I will give you so many embarrassing hard ons. In crazy places. Just set foot in a church. I dare you.
Mind: Listen. It’s gonna happen. We’re doing it.
Body: Just try, you smart ass sumbitch.
So yeah, that’s kind of how it went down.
I have one goal in the new year. To lose 145 pounds. And I’m going to do it with no surgery. I’m actually going to try diet and exercise for the first time in my life.
I really don’t know what I’ll do if even accomplish half that goal.
But I need y’alls support. For the first six weeks of 2010, I won’t be eating at all. Yogurt, Slim-Fast (probably the cheap Wal-Mart brand of it because I’m broke) and broth for six weeks. If I can’t do that, I might as well just go jump off a cliff. That’s real.
Food is an addiction to me, and I’m going to cure that addiction.
I plan on blogging my diet adventures with you. It may not be pretty, but for sure, I have a goal, and I will meet it. My goal for those first 6 weeks? 60 pounds.
I have said it before and I’ll say it again. I have the most loyal followers in the world, and I’m expecting your support here! Don’t bail on me now! I love you guys!
Happy New Year to you all, and may the next year and next decade be filled with faith, family, love and riches beyond your wildest dreams. And then may you share them with me.
Oh yeah, and by the way, Ed and Moog’s pick won by a landslide yesterday. So I’ll be getting together with them, and I’ll let you know what I’m going to do for the video in the new year!
We all now know that a few days ago, I asked y’all to vote for me, y’all showed up like Republicans to a gun show, and I wound up winning a $50 gift card.
What did you win?
Well, you won the right to choose what I have to do to reimburse you for your vote.
I’d like to lay out a few ground rules though.
The first rule is this:
After January 1st, I’m going on a diet for 6 weeks, and I can’t eat anything. None of you suggested anything like that, so it’s all good. And yeah, I’ll tell you all about the diet later.
Second rule:
I WON’T DO ANYTHING NAKED. Geez, people. I have limits, and there isn’t enough pixelation in the world to cover up the stuff on me you don’t want to see.
Third rule:
I won’t do anything illegal. Seriously? Run down main street with a target on my butt? Geez. What is it with you people?
With all that being said, I will give you the suggestions that were given to me that follow those guidelines, plus a few of my own that I have thrown in. Y’all have to vote on it, and if you want to rig the vote by sending your followers over here to vote for your choice, by all means, go ahead. Just post in the comments the one you vote for. One of the suggestions was “do something with bacon.” So if you want me to do whatever you vote for with bacon, just add a “with bacon” to the end of your vote.
1. Wear a dress and make a vlog while wearing a dress. (I will perform a musical number.)
2. Get in a potato sack and hop across town.
3. Do a “polar bear” dive into the local lake in nothing but a pair of skivvies.
4. Dress up like Lindsay Lohan and say something to my adoring fans, in my best LL voice.
5. Make a Birthday Sex video.
6. Make a “Just because my pickle talks doesn’t make me an idiot” video.
7. Make a video on how I plan to become mayor of Okay.
8. Make a video explaining how I’d use Erin’s dad’s Japanese toilets.
9. Yodel.
10. Ed and Moog’s pick.
I’m sorry Lee, but I can’t think of anyone who would loan me a cow to wrestle, otherwise that one would be up there. For sure, I’d wind up accidentally killing a cow by suplexing it, and then where would I be? I’m pretty sure that’s a “if I break I buy it” type thing.
There you have it. Let the voting begin!
Since neither Ed nor Moog made suggestions, I went ahead and made them the 10th choice, which just means that they can collaborate on something for me to do, and then announce it. As long as it follows the rules, I will do it.
You can only vote once, but like I said, you can invite your friends over to vote as well. Heck, that’d be cool, because I might have a chance at breaking 50 comments for the first time ever!
Voting ends at midnight central time.
Go!
It’s Post It Note Tuesday time.
Supah started this shiz, and she gets the credit.
I do this, well, because it’s fun, because it’s easy, and because it gets me a shit ton of new followers, for which I am most appreciative.
If you’re new here, I ask ya to sit down and stay awhile. I’ve got some wine in the kitchen, why don’t you put on this lacy thing right here? That’s it. Slowly. Now grab that plate of nachos and feed me. Now that plate of pizza. That’s right. Shove it in there. Not slowly. Quick. I’m hungry. Now those cookies… Yeah… Soup? Yeah baby… That’s right. Get that salad the hell out of here. Where were we? Oh yeah… Gravy… Mmmmm… No, no I don’t need to put it on anything. Just ladle it in my mouth! That’s it. Do you have a bigger ladle? No, not that one. The other one. Yeah… Damn. Are those cold cuts? Don’t you put vegetables on my sammich… Now let me use that lacy thing as a napkin…
My goodness.
Sticky notes. Right.
If you’re wondering what that 5th note was about, here’s the deal.
I challenged y’all to go vote for me a while back to win a contest. I said if I won, I’d do something humiliating on video that my readers got to pick. Well, I won.
I need your suggestions, people! So far, there have not been a lot! The only suggestion I won’t take is the rap video, because that is already in the works, and it’s gonna make me look friggin awesome, not humiliated.
So make a suggestion! Anyone can! Put it in the comments, and we’ll start voting on Thursday or Friday!
(Hey guys and gals. It’s Memoir Monday time! This is where you write down a story about yourself, steal my button down there, drink a beer, and call it all a win. The only rule is that it has to be true, other than that, there are no rules. I keep getting more and more people to follow my lead! It’s catching on! Will YOU be one on the bandwagon this week? Once you post, let me know, and I will link you up down there for all my kick ass bloggy followers to go and read! Y’all are the greatest, and I love you. If you want to see all the Memoir Monday posts, just click on the book!)
Kid Funk (Justin Kinman) and I have had some adventures.
One of them in particular is dying to be typed today, so here it goes.
A very long time ago, I was “girl crazy.” I would like to say at this point that I am still crazy, but only for my wife, who is not a girl, (thank you baby Jesus) but a woman. So. I am officially woman crazy I guess.
Either way, the point is, I was girl crazy. Loved the ladies. They revved my engine.
Our pastor at the time was from a little town in Oklahoma called Barnsdall. It’s north of Tulsa a bit, and it’s a typical Oklahoma small town, only it has a stoplight. If you don’t know why I brought that up, you have never lived in a small town. Small towns are judged by their stop lights or stop signs. If all you’ve got is a bunch of stop signs, you’re pretty lame. If you’ve a got at least one stoplight, well then my friend, you are UPTOWN.
Anyway, there was a girl in this particular town that had caught my eye. I was 17 or so at the time, and she was 14 or 15. I didn’t care. I wanted to take her as my lover date her a bit, and maybe hold hands, and then leave town and break up with her, because let’s keep it real here, she lived like 2 hours away. Who here can remain faithful to a high school girlfriend whilst being two hours away? Not this guy. Besides, I wanted to hold hands with every chick in Green Country.
So Kid Funk and I decide to take a drive up to Barnsdall to see this chick. I decided not to tell her we were coming, because, well, that would have given her the chance to tell me no. I also decided we’d go up on a Wednesday night, on the premise of visiting their church, which my church had gone to on a mission trip of sorts a few months earlier. There was also a wicked good pizza place up there called Bighearts Pizza (props to them if they are still in business) and I figured if all else failed, we’d at least have some good pie. (TWHS)
We got there with little incident, and stopped for some pizza, wherein the greatest single prank in the history of man might have been pulled. You see, the waitress at the pizza place was kind of cute. I for sure would have held her hand. Twice. Not to be one that doesn’t mess with a cute waitress, I decided to talk to her. I walked up to the counter, and looked at her and said, “Darlin, what’s your number?” She stumbled for a moment, and then started saying a number. I immediately said, “No. Not yours personally. The pizza place’s.” Woo. Talk about an embarrassed lady.
We get done with our pizza and head out to the church. When we finally found the place, no one was there. No one. There were a bang ton of empty cars, the doors to the church were unlocked, and no one was home. NO ONE.
Now you’ll have to understand, I am a Christian. I have no bones telling anyone that, and if you don’t like it, you can leave. I firmly believe that one day Jesus will come back to collect his own, and so on and so forth. However, I won’t shove this down your throats, because I respect you as human beings who mainly just want to laugh at me, and not talk about God.
So. When we see that there is no one at this church, and there were cars and such outside, we start to do a little trembling of the maybe we’re not so righteous sort. We drove to a second church.
THE SAME THING HAD HAPPENED.
HOLY CRAP, DID WE JUST MISS THE RAPTURE? ARE WE LEFT BEHIND? WHERE IS KIRK CAMERON? CAN SOMEONE CALL KIRK CAMERON?
You can understand our panic.
I mean, let’s be honest, Hell is gonna be turrible.
So anyway, we were a bit freaked out. We decided to stop at the next place we saw some fellow left behindinians, and politely, if not a bit panicky, ask them what they did with all their church folk.
Turns out, once a month, all the area churches bus their people to one of the churches for an all denomination get together.
Woo. False alarm. I don’t think the people in that little store understood our relief, or our request for a bathroom.
When Kid Funk and I walked into that church, we started jubilatin. “Almost left behind but not really praise the Lord Almighty put your hands together and clap for Him and do it all again and put 5 dollars instead of 1 in the offering plate and raise your hands to heaven and testify and confess that one time you took a good kid out to strip club for his bachelor party and then got him drunk but you’re forgiven now and you just wanted to tell the church and dance a little in the aisle and maybe speak in a tongue or two” jubilatin.
We had good reason to.
I didn’t even remember why we came until the end of the service, and then I saw the chick. For some reason, I wasn’t as worried about it anymore.
We wound up going out to her house, where Kid Funk had his shirt chewed on by a goat, we met an honest to goodness retarded rabbit, and her mom and dad both drank milk straight from the cows teat.
Small towns in Oklahoma.
You never really appreciate the people in them until you think you’ve been left behind.
Other Non-Raptured Trips Down Memory Lane: (GO READ THEM!)
Alex’s Memoir Monday
Daffy’s Memoir Monday: Can You Feel The Burn?
Ed’s Memoir Monday: I’m A REAL LIVE Mountainman.
BigSis’ Memoir Monday: Do WHAT?
Quixotic’s Memoir Monday: The Honeymoon Is Over.
Greg’s Memoir Monday. *ROOKIE!
Josh’s Memoir Monday: It Was The Summer Of ’98.
Corrie’s Memoir Monday: How A Movie Taught Me About My Son.
Carol’s Memoir Monday: Monday Morning.
Shany’s Memoir Monday: Parenting Tips. *ROOKIE!
Cody’s Memoir Monday: My First Try. *ROOKIE!Well, I asked my readers to come support me, and I currently have a call in to Vicky’s Secret to market your support as the best damn bra ever.
That’s real.
You remember that contest I asked you to go vote for me on?
I won. That’s right. I won.
It wasn’t a clean victory. I wanted to keep it honest, then it got hairy, and I had to call y’all in.
That’s like twice in a week.
And twice in a week, y’all have kept it real.
I was wicked excited about that, until I remembered the deal I made with y’all.
Yeah…
I’m effed.
Anyway, I guess I owe you.
Here’s how that’s gonna work.
Starting today, and lasting until, say, next Wednesday, I’m gonna take suggestions for what you guys think I should do in my video. When I’ve collected the suggestions, you’re gonna vote for the best ones. The winner of that? That’s what I do.
I’d ask you to play nice, but I know that’s not going to happen.
On a positive note, with the 50 extra dollars, I’m going to be able to film myself with a BRAND NEW VIDEO CAMERA! FTW!
Let me have it, folks.
Go.
So.
It’s Christmas Eve.
I wake up this morning, and my phone is ringing.
Aww… I bet it’s someone calling to wish Christmas cheer! YAY!
Why is the number out of state?
“This is Travis.”
“Hi Travis, we’re just calling about your past due payment…”
Really?
It’s CHRISTMAS EVE.
Now, I could go on a tangent about how lame it is to get a collections call on Christmas Eve, but I’m not going to. Instead, I just want everyone that has to work today and tomorrow know that I’m thinking about them, and I don’t think it’s fair. I will respect your feelings, and I won’t be doing any business at stores today or tomorrow, because I feel that it supports the corporate idiots that think the service industry shouldn’t be allowed any got dang family time during the holidays.
So. Collector guy? Merry Christmas. And thanks for being a little lenient with me today.
Also, I think we’d all be wise to remember the reason for the season this year and every year. A wonderful and forgiving God Almighty looked ahead and saw that we’d never make it in this life without a Savior who would take all of our sin, drag it to the cross, and in the process, offer us eternal life with Them in Heaven.
So a couple thousand years ago, He sent us His Son.
He did it for you.
That’s real.
Merry Christmas, blog readers. We love you guys, and I’ll see you back on the day after.
I guess I should end on that, but I don’t think I’ve made you laugh yet. So…
To you and yours,
Travis and The Missus
Some of you may know already.
I got a second job.
I’m not going to give you the name of the place, in case someone that works there winds up reading this. However, I’ll tell you that it’s a movie rental place.
Yeah, I work at a movie rental place.
It’s a part time gig, for some holiday cash. And by holiday cash, I mean next years holidays. Being broke sucks about 8 different kinds of ass.
Anyway, my fist day went alright. The person I worked with was a little strange, and he wasn’t even 21 yet, but I won’t hold that against him. Had a bee in his bonnet about dark sci-fi stuff, and he wanted to write a book where the lead character had a lot of flaws, and used the quote, “Hollywood should be glad I’m not a writer. I have the perfect idea for a lead role.”
Huh?
But yeah, I can deal with that. However, fast forward to night 2.
She went to school with me as a kid, but was older than me, so I never knew much about her. Anyway, she says, “I’m throwing you in the fire tonight. You’re gonna do all the business yourself.”
Alright.
We were busy, and shit got hoppin, and all the sudden I hear, “Oh my god, are you alright?”
“Yeah, I’m good.”
But they weren’t talking to me. They were talking to my “trainer,” who had smooth passed out on the floor, and was struggling into a sitting position.
Some people might have lost it there. But listen. I kept a cool head.
I kept right on helping customers.
That’s right, bitches. I had a line.
I looked down at her and said, “You straight?” She kind of nodded. Or had a small seizure. I’m not sure.
But I just said, “Okay,” and I kept helpin customers. Because of me not losing my cool, we came in 135% over budget on the day.
Turns out, she has some sort of hypoglycemia problem or something. Anyway, faints a lot. Like, just falls out. No warning, she just falls over.
I kind of think that should have been brought up on the first day, right?
“Listen Travis, the movies go left to right alphabetically, you should vacuum a bit after you close, the trash can is over here, oh, and the girl that works here sometimes falls over.”
Right?
But that was overlooked. Damn HIPPA.
After that, we were about to close, and I was making small talk with a couple of the customers, making them laugh and what not. Imagine that, right?
Anygiggle, after they left, I said to her, “Hey, listen. I’m a joker and a comedian of sort. However, I know my limits and can tailor them to individuals.”
She replied, “Yeah, be careful. You can make sexual harassment real easy.”
SCREEEEEEEECH.
Cuse me?
Here I am, talkin about not making jokes to a customer not in the mood, and she’s tellin me not to put them in THE mood by talking about whether or not there’s any nudity in G-Force.
Oh, but it continued.
“One time, these guys stayed until the store was closed, and told me how hot my butt looked.”
Ahem.
*polite chuckle*
Ahem.
Closing time couldn’t come quick enough.
Other than that, I guess my only beef is that NO ONE brings their card with them to rent movies.
“Do you have your card?”
“Hell no. Why? Can’t you just look it up? My last name is ….”
“Can you say that last name again please?”
“…”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t hear you.”
“IT’S SMITH! S-M-I-T-H! SMITH!”
Seriously people. Can we find a happy medium on the volume level? I mean, yeah, I may be a little deaf. But still. You don’t have to yell. You say it medium the first time, and chances are, I’ll nail it.
Anyway, welcome to my new job, and I’m sure it’s going to provide a lot of material for you guys.
For those of you new followers that replaced the fair weather guys, I welcome you to my blog. Feel free to stick around, check out some other posts. Stay a while.
I picked up some rooks from Supah yesterday, so y’all homebodies play nice.
{Update at 11:15 PM. Yesterday, Twitter had a trending topic called, #youknowyourfat. Bad grammar aside, I felt I had to comment on this, based on a situation that arose the other day, that some of you know about, but most don’t, and for good reason. It involves losing a couple of followers, and I refuse to send extra traffic their way. Cause they’re stupid. Anyway, I typed a response to the trending topic. “I am horribly upset and offended, what if there was a #yourknowyourgay topic?” Sarcasm people. Sarcasm, because of the situation you don’t know about. But basically, because I called something “gay,” they decided to use “big unitelligent Okie” as an insult. Which is fine with me, because honestly, who wants to be that? Anyway, I get this response about ten minutes later from @datniggaBiGDub. It said, and I quote directly:
“bro if yur fat yur fat lol im big too bro haha bt shit if yu dnt luv yurself 2 tha max. . . how yu expect lil shawty to feel yu??”
I followed him immediately. Becaus that, my blog friends, is real.}
I know that two posts this close together are comment killers, but I need a new pair of shoes.
I need a favor from all of you, and this isn’t to be without a reward.
I need you to go HERE and vote for my suggestion.
If I win this contest, you have my word, I will do a video.
One where y’all decide what happens to me.
That’s real.
Go.
Just leave a comment saying which suggestion you want to win. I’d prefer it if you all pick the same one. Let’s go #2, okay?
Thanks guys and gals, and like I say, YOU will get to pick what happens to me in the video!
This is Post It Note Tuesday, brought to you by Supah Mommy, who hell, I’ve probably offended this week.
(Hey guys and gals. It’s Memoir Monday time! This is where you write down a story about yourself, steal my button down there, drink a beer, and call it all a win. The only rule is that it has to be true, other than that, there are no rules. I had an all time high of 8 people do this last week! It’s catching on! Will YOU be one on the bandwagon this week? Once you post, let me know, and I will link you up down there for all my kick ass bloggy followers to go and read! Y’all are the greatest, and I love you. If you want to see all the Memoir Monday posts, just click on the book!)
Wow.
What a week, eh?
I guess I stirred the pot a bit, but damn.
I just want to thank y’all for showing up. Y’all threw more verbal uppercuts than Mortal Kombat 2.
I was seriously impressed, and I am really proud of you. You showed the few critics that I have that it’s okay to slam the material, but if you mess with me, they’re toast. And I appreciate that.
If you ever need the favor returned, consider it done. (Moog, you owe me a comment on that youtube video, by the way.)
I spent all day yesterday coming up with what I thought would be an appropriate “response” video. I think what I settled on was tasteful and not in anyway unclassy.
Well, maybe the end gets a bit unclassy. But who the hell watches the END of my videos.
Also, I want to give a crazy mad shout out to Lauren over at (Mis)Adventures in Theatre. She put this whole video together for me, because, well, she’s pretty much the coolest person ever, and she has a Mac. Go thank her for me.
At long last, here it is, my video response to all the shit I stirred up over the last week.
I know the video is fuzzy, and I apologize. I took it with my phone, because I don’t have a data cable for my video camera! If someone wanted to, they could totally send me a Flip camera for Christmas. It’s an investment, really, because I will use it to make you laugh.
I’ll let you guys comment here instead of youtube, but feel free to do both if you want. Oh, and by the way, WarVet09 withdrew his/her comment. But they’ve been back 19 times to look at the thread. Guess they had enough.
Nice work.
THIS JUST IN! Ed, from Ed’s Merry Pages just released his response to the response of the responses that were responding to my respone of WarVet’s response! It’s only on Facebook, but HERE is the link! Go watch it!
Other Non-Opposed Walks Down Memory Lane: (GO READ THEM!)
Lauren’s Memoir Monday: Epic Travel Part 2…And Travis!
Daffy’s Memoir Monday: Where’s The Bathroom?
Josh’s Memoir Monday: March 13, 1993.
Brandee’s Memoir Monday: Party Like It’s 1999.
BigSis’ Memoir Monday: Hooters!
Kate’s Memoir Monday: Skate World.
Hey folks.
I’m gonna level with you.
Someone doesn’t like me.
GASP!
No no, seriously.
That video I posted a while back about the Christmas Parade in my hometown? Well folks, it seems that it’s not been well received by everyone in the little town.
As I was working this evening, a message came in on my BB that I had a new comment on youtube. “YAY!” Is what I thought. Then I read it. I’ve taken the liberty of giving you what it said. I’m going to paste it up in UNC Blue, because we all know that it is cowardly and gay.
Everybody knows Travis Sloat’s super sized fat ass made this. The next time he is eating (which should be every other 30 minutes) maybe he should remember who he works for and all of the people in this town that he has screwed over. Instead of opening his big mouth to trash our small town maybe he should just do what he is used to and shove a few cheeseburgers in it instead. Merry Christmas.
So yeah. Someone named “WarVeteran09” who is 36 years old and maybe lives in Okay, America, isn’t real happy with me right now. I love how he chooses the anonymity of the internets to post his hate. Also, and I don’t know if y’all know this or not, but I’m fat. I just wanted to clear that up. Don’t cheeseburgers sound good?
Here’s what I’m asking of you, my blog battalion. I’m asking you to click on the link below, and go comment back to this bastard. I want you to make him wish he’d never been so cowardly. I want you to tell him what you think of him, really, without holding back. I want you to give him…
…the bidness.
I’ve disabled comments on this post, because I really want them all to go on this video. Please don’t let me down here, folks. I need ya. Spread this around a bit. Let’s try to get a thing going here. It’s like a petition, only for my ego and pride.
Go Here For The Video.
And I’m gonna say this in advance,
I love you guys. And thanks.
P.S. I am currently working on a response video for this. It. Will. Be. Epic.
…And now I’m going to deliever them. I’d call it a Wordless Friday, but it doesn’t have the same ring as Wordless Wednesday, and also, well, I’ve used words.
Anytext, here you go. I’ve also included a little something for Ed, may his tiny vas deferens rest in peace.
This next one goes out to Ginger Mandy, who is trying to start a LOLFetus craze.
This next picture is quite edgy, but I promised it to some of my “chatty” readers. Also, before you white people get too worked up about me being a “racist,” I’d like to say that I sent this to a black person last night, and she said, and I quote, “I laughed. Then I felt kind of bad for laughing.”
So there.
And finally, the last and maybe the least funny of them all. But I couldn’t resist.
Also, I really think you should go HERE and watch this video. Now, I’m not gonna lie. While I don’t consider it blasphemy, I think it’s treading water in the kiddie pool next to the blaspheme pool. Anyway, it was done by my buddy Moog over at Mental Poo. If you like the video, go check him out. He’s a wicked funny guy, and he always leaves comments about how he’ll sleep with your wife.
(Writer’s note: The black person I asked was Zan. She’s a follower of mine, and I want to thank her for her honesty and service. Also, I want to give a shout out to Moog for getting me started on the whole de-motivational poster thing. ALSO, start making LOLFetus photos and send them to Ginger Mandy!)
(Hey y’all! It’s TMI Thursday! This little bad boy was created by the ever popular blog cool chick LiLu, who happens to have more of these types of stories over at her blog. Just click on the picture of those two old people clearly enjoying what was an accidental Viagra overdose.)
Well folks, it’s that time of the week. TMI Thursday.
I was kind of struggling for something to write about this week, and sat down to rewrite “Twas The Night Before Christmas,” for my good buddy Ed who’s going to have a vasectomy tomorrow. However, the words wouldn’t come, and I went to bed thinking I’d type it this morning. As it turns out, I didn’t need to.
Apparently, my cash and prizes can type. Now, I’ll admit, when I saw the spelling and grammar mistakes in this, I about went apeshit. However, any punishment delivered to my nether regions will directly affect me as a consequence. So I just gave them a stern talking to, (in the shower, so The Missus wouldn’t catch me talking to them) and told them that they were gonna do a bit more paying attention at school.
They pleaded with me to make sure Ed got this letter, and I don’t think I can deny them that. I tell you what though, this is the last time I’ll sleep with the laptop in bed. You see, in addition to this letter, apparently they typed a little something up for Jessica Alba, and SOMEHOW sent it to her. I don’t know how, but for sure, I got a call from her attorney this morning, and HE. WAS. PISSED.
You ever used the excuse, “My balls did it?”
It doesn’t work. And they didn’t bother to type me up a little something for the legal counsel that I’m going to need.
Anyway, without further ado, I give you: My ball’s letter to Ed.
deere ed,
this is litle travis and his testacals. wer’e reel sorry for whats abowt to hapen. we herd about it from travis. we cant imigane the pain and sufuring yur going thru. we dont think yu shood take it. we r sending yu sum plain tikits and sum mony. he dosnt no wer’e sending yu this EMAIL. THE LETRS GOT BIG AL THE SUDEN. HANG ON. ok. fixd it. neway, plez run away wen yu sea the sclaple salcple scelple big nife. it is going to cut yu and mak yu bleeds. then they wil tye yur juce tubes togother and mak yu not be albe tu hav the baibes. i hav herd of this befour form ohtr testacals. it iz vrey bad. come hoam and tel yur wife taht yu had itz dun. then uze the pul out methid frm hear on out. she wheel nevre no. aim four the boobs. if it cant bee avoyded, pleze no taht wee r tinking abowt yu and wish yu teh vrey best. sory four al teh spleling mizteaks. this is 2 tyme weve dun this. the 1 tyme wuz too mizter bobbit. we r hopping tings do beter four yu.
sinsearly,
litle travis and teh simbols
Ed, buddy, I’m very sorry in advance. I hope the words from my bits were comforting to you, but listen.
I really need that money and those tickets back. The sumbitches apparently know how to use a credit card, and Visa isn’t buying the “My balls did it” excuse either.
To everyone else, let’s leave Ed a little sympathy in the comments, eh?
By the way, Brandee over at Think Tank Momma did a lil sumthin sumthin for Ed today too! Go check it out!
Well that’s odd. My 3rd music review, and it’s over the song 3.
I’m sure you’ve heard it. However, if you haven’t, you might want to go listen to it before you read the review. Just so you can fully appreciate the whoreishness. Yeah. That’s a word.
Anyway, the song can be a bit difficult to “get.”
Being the hell of a guy I am, I’m going to translate it for you, using my awesome “Batshit Crazy Britney Spears Translator!” The lyrics are in regular type brown color, the translation will be in italics and red.
“3” As performed by Miss Spears.
1 2 3, Not only you and me
Hey y’all. I can count to 3! Also, there might be another person coming over tonight.
Got one eighty degrees
I’m talking about sex here. Like a 3 way. You understand? It’s gonna be HAWT.
And I’m caught in between, Countin.
Is it cool with you that I’m a whore? Because I’m totally loving this.
1 2 3, Peter Paul and Mary
Listen. Don’t call Mary. She’ll just be in the way.
Gettin down with 3P, everybody loves (oh)
3P are black guys, right? Everybody loves…oh. I forgot. Is it Jesus? Raymond?
(From here on out, this will be known as the chorus. She says it like 78 times, and I’m not retyping it.)
Babe pick a night, to come out and play
Listen, can it be tonight? I’ve had some drinks and I’m feeling whorish. And tomorrow night too, please.
If it’s alright, what do you say?
Can you bring a black guy?
Merrier the more, triple fun that way
I don’t mean a fat guy. I mean lots of dudes. I say it backwards so it rhymes.
Are you livin in sin is the new thing, yeah
Oh my god, I normally wouldn’t do this, but do one of you have a video camera?
Are you in, I’m countin
I’ve called like 7 other dudes, want to be one of them?
Chorus
Three is a charm, two is not the same
I watched Sesame street this morning, and I learned that two is less than three. Then I thought about the sexual rewards. Can we get that counting vampire in on this?
I don’t see the harm, are you game
I already have a lot of STD’s. I really don’t see how I could get anymore. Plus, they’ve rendered me sterile. Oh. And don’t worry about a condom. These diseases eat right through them. Gives me a hell of a yeast infection.
Let’s make a team, make em say my name
I have sexual issues because I was never picked for Red Rover in the Mickey Mouse club.
Lovin the extreme, now are you game
I REALLY want a black guy in this. Also maybe a midget, some grape jelly, a seven iron, a copy of the first season of Lost with the second disc missing, a picture of Hulk Hogan in ’87, two more girls, and a cup.
Are you in, livin in sin is the new thing, yeah
Oh my god, did I just fart?
Are you in, I’m countin
Seriously, I can’t tell if anything is in there. Can we call more guys?
Chorus
She then repeats the first and second verses, which I’m consolidated into one big translation.
I really want more attention. Shaving my head and abusing my child only worked for so long, so now I want everyone to see what a whore I am. Hey! Everyone! Come and see how much like a whore I look!
What we do is innocent, just for fun and nothing meant
Listen. I lied, I can get pregnant, and I want to be the new octomom. I just want to thank y’all for your deposits. I’ll see you on E! for the series, entitled: “I’m A Whore: Portrait Of An Icon Gone Bad.”
If you don’t like the company, let’s just do it you and me
If you really want to make love, we’re gonna at least need some toys.
Or three…
Is that the doorbell? We might as well let them join…
Or four…On the floor
I really did call some black guys. They won’t wait till we can get back in bed. That’s my bad.
Then she sings that part over again, but it has a different meaning the second time.
What we do is innocent, just for fun and nothing meant
If you don’t like the company, let’s just do it you and me
Or three
Or four
On the floor
I’m a whore, I’m a whore, I’m a whore, I’m a whore.
I’m a whore, I’m a whore, I’m a very whorish whore.
I’m a whore,
I’m a whore,
I like black guys.
In all seriousness though. Why is it necessary to write a song about what a whore you are? Hell, her FIRST single was about how she was lettin dudes hit that shit in high school! It just continues to prove my theory that pretty much all music is shit now. Man I miss the 90’s.
By the way. Britney, if you’re reading this…
I’m down. No black guys though. I don’t need to be shown up.
Lately some people have been doing caption contests.
This is kind of like that.
I just need your comment. The funniest one, wins. And no this isn’t related to my funniest comment of the week game.
This is a picture of the reading material currently in my little brother’s (The Groom) bathroom.
What does this say to you?
Can I get 50 comments on this, people?
Go.
(Hey guys and gals. It’s Memoir Monday time! This is where you write down a story about yourself, steal my button down there, drink a beer, and call it all a win. The only rule is that it has to be true, other than that, there are no rules. I’ve had about 5 people regularly start doing it, and that’s wicked cool! Let’s try to get a few more! Once you post, let me know, and I will link you up down there for all my kick ass bloggy followers to go and read! Y’all are the greatest, and I love you. If you want to see all the Memoir Monday posts, just click on the book!)
Normally I have to spend at least a week trying to figure out what I’m going to post for my Memoir Monday.
It never comes easily. (TWSS)
But anyway, this week, there wasn’t a lot of thinking to do.
You see, my wonderful home town of Okay, Oklahoma, decided to have its first annual Christmas Parade. It’s a town of less than 500 people in the northwestern part of Oklahoma. (update: It was was so rudely brought to my attention in the comments that Okay is in fact in the northeastern part of Oklahoma, not the northwest. Yes, I am an idiot. Thank you, Anon.)
I promised my readers that I would be there to cover this story in all of its white trash glory, and I didn’t fail you.
The song comes courtesy of Montgomery Gentry, and it’s called, Merry Christmas From the Family.
This is really all the introduction you need, however, I want to say two other things.
The guy at the end that is labeled the coolest ever actually stopped traffic to lean over to me and say, “I charge 25 dollars a picture!” Yeah. I got it for free, and he actually posed for me.
Also, the ambulance didn’t throw any candy at all.
Bastards.
Other Non-Parade Routes Down Memory Lane This Week. (GO READ THEM!)
Whoa Mumma’s Memoir Monday
AG’s Memoir Monday: Unwrapped.
Daffy’s Memoir Monday: The Big Catch.
Carol’s Memory Monday: Drunk Santa.
Joshua’s Memoir Monday: The Break In.
BigSis’ Memoir Monday: Snarky HR Lady.
Kimi’s Memoir Monday: The Day I Told The Truth About Santa.
Ed’s Memoir Monday: Well Hello, Cha Cha.
This is a conversation with The Missus that I had the other day on IM.
TM: I’m back.
Me: Yay! The Youngest and I are trying to jailbreak my Ipod.
TM: What does that even mean?
Me: I am still not sure, but it’s cool!
TM: Okay, I mean, I understand doing that to an IPhone so it will work on other networks, but just the Ipod?
Me: This is different. It gets you in the setup and what not.
TM: What do you need in the setup for?
Me: It’s a long story, but I’ll get free music!
TM: How?
Me: I’m not real sure. The Youngest says so though, and that’s good enough for me.
TM: Yeah, and listening to The Youngest is a sure fire way to get things done.
Me: The Youngest is tellin me about almost getting caught by a cop, doing it with a girl at Honor Heights.
TM: Dang it, I thought The Youngest was still a good kid.
Me: Naw.
TM: That kinda hurts my heart.
Me: HA!
TM: So how does it feel to be the only brother to graduate high school with his V card?
Me: Cheap shot!
Conversation with Kid Funk:
KF: Sin is sin!
Me: Right. I know that. Hell, I also know that if I ask forgiveness, He’ll forget about it. That’s wicked cool. Jesus is a pretty cool guy.
KF: Yeah, but He talks in red.
Me: I would too, iffen people had nailed me to a tree for just tryna make the world cooler and get em into Heaven.
KF: Jews…
Me: Right? I have like 95 Jew followers.
KF: Who are you, Blog Moses?
Me: I might be. Someone made a Moses reference the other day. I need a staff.
KF: A really strong one.
Me: I need to learn how to talk majestically too. In a way that gets me millions of followers with lame ass attitudes that aren’t ever happy.
KF: Now you sound like Blog Obama.
Me: Hey, I’m trailblazin.
Also, the other day I met Lauren, from over at (Mis)Adventures In Theatre! She was on a road trip from Montana to North by God Carolina, and she happened to drive through my neck of the woods! We had a wonderful visit in an IHOP, because I’m classy like that.
She is a great person, a great blogger, and she was even more fun to hang out with! It just really makes me want to go on a “Blog Tour” and meet all or most of my bloggy buds. Maybe one day.
Below is a picture!
Hope y’all enjoyed this little Saturday post, and I’ll see you back tomorrow maybe for a “Most Embarrassing Songs On My Ipod” type thing. Maybe. Enjoy your weekend!
I’ll announce the contest first. I’ve started picking up some new people around this place, and they’re probably all going to leave soon iffen I don’t give something away.
Y’all comment real good though, and that’s the basis of the contest.
I’m going to start taking what I consider to be the five funniest comments each week, placing them in a poll, and letting you guys vote on which ones you think are the funniest. The winner will get a fancy certificate I’m going to make up that will basically say you are the funniest person in exsistance, Dane Cook be damned.
If you win five certificates, I’m going to give you a more tangible award, probably not announced until that happens, and suited to your personal tastes. I guess that’s my way of saying that I will spend money on you. Before you go getting all excited, remember, I got rent and a car payment. And before you go saying, “Well, that’s not bad,” remember that I also have to feed myself.
Yeah. Epic, right?
Anyfat, on to the pictures.
This guy was at a basketball game I went to on Tuesday. He pulled these things out of his POCKET, and started trying to sell them to some guy, and then started trying to tell him how to use them. Yeah, there’s a technique, but geez. Tie your line to it and throw it in the water. You know? It’s not as if it needs to come with a set of instructions. I can only assume that the guy made a sale, because the two rednecks shook hands and parted ways with smiles.
You might want to click that one to make it bigger. (TWSS)
Yeah. Who in THE SWEET BLUE FLYING FUCK asked for this production? I mean, forget TSO or the Mannheim Steamroller or the Nutcracker this holiday season. I’m going to see Legally Blond: The Musical.
Aren’t you? Don’t you want me to try to win you free tickets as well? I mean dang, I think I just found my first prize for the comment contest. Were the movies that good? Did I miss something in them that warranted a Broadway production? I mean, that could be legitimate, because for most of the first one, I had my hand in my pants. And honestly, I thought the whole first movie was actually a sequel to Clueless.
I didn’t catch the second one.
These next few are of me arranging the deer in my brother’s (The Groom) yard.
The first one kind of looks like I’m trying to stimulate the poor buck, and the second kind of looks like I’m joining in on the fun. But the end result was quite hilarious, and the only thing I didn’t do was plug the things in and get a video of it. That’s my bad. I dropped the ball on that one. As of right now, (11 PM) I haven’t heard from my brother, which means he must not know I did it. Seeing as he never reads my blog, I may be in the clear.
And these are of the upcoming Christmas parade in my hometown of less than 500 people. You can bet your sweet ass I will be out there covering it, and will give you a full report plus pictures.
There you have it folks. Hope you enjoyed the pictorial, and for sure, if you have any suggestions on the comment contest, let me know!
I’ll be back tomorrow with Conversation posts, one from Kid Funk, and one from The Missus, and also a picture of me meeting a blog buddy in real life for the first time!
Last weeks giveaway was so fun that we have decided to do another one! Every entrant won something last week, so we are excited for this week! If you missed out last week, we hope you enter now… or even enter again!
A Basic Package
A $40 Giftcard
A $30 Giftcard
A $20 Giftcard
55% off Any Package
45% off Any Package
Here is how to enter: Copy the following to a blog post, be sure to leave a comment with your URL so we can check it out, and you are instantly entered! As a special thanks for entering our Holiday Giveaway, we are offering ALL entrants 20% off until the end of the year! Your prizes can be redeemed in giftcard form if you would prefer to give them as a present to a loved one! Just see the post below!
Bloggy Blog Designz is having ANOTHER Holiday Giveaway!!! Last week every entrant won something, so they decided to do it all over again! They are giving away blog designs and all kinds of goodies. Plus ALL entrants will receive 20%off their purchase through the end of the year! Be sure to check out their website for more information, or to enter yourself. Take a look at their portfolio and packages to see what you want for Christmas 😉 With 6 giveaways this week, who knows whats in store for next week?
The first 5 entrants will receive a $10 giftcard. The giveaway will close on Dec. 13th, so be sure to have your posts done and comments left by midnight! Good Luck to everyone! We are so excited. Merry (early) Christmas!
(Our Design List is open after January 1. Discounts from this giveaway do not apply to designz in progress)
(Hey y’all! It’s that time of the week again, and no I don’t mean where you have to take that pill because you saw Henry Winkler hit your stereo again, making it magically turn on. It’s TMI Thursday! This little bad boy was created by the ever popular blog cool chick LiLu, who happens to have more of these types of stories over at her blog. Just click on the picture of those two old people clearly enjoying what was an accidental Viagra overdose.)
I told some of you rookies that I don’t do low brow a lot. I swear it’s true, you just happened to catch me on a two day streak. Also, let’s be honest, TMI Thursday is the EPITOME of low brow. I mean, it’s the point, right?
Like yesterday, this one has an animal in it, but this story should be a bit shorter. The reason I’m doing this for TMI and not Memoir Monday is because this has stuff in it that I’m embarrassed about, and it also contains more proof that I’m a douche.
Anydouchecanoe, (See? I told you I’d do it, BigSis) let’s get on with the story.
The Missus and I were newly married, and we were living in a quadplex that looked a lot like this.
Yeah, that’s to scale.
Anycramped, we couldn’t really move in that place without bumping into each other, which worked out great for me, because we were newlyweds, and well, bumping into each other usually involved the sex. So. Win win, right?
Wrong.
What they don’t tell you about being a newlywed is that eventually…
You’re not one anymore.
This is where the real world shit starts to happen. Shit like you get into a huge argument over the phone while you’re at work because she decides she wants a cat, but she’s allergic to cats and you try to tell her that, but she is DEAD SET on getting a cat, and you cuss at her like you’ve never cussed at anyone, so she hangs up on you, but you call back and she doesn’t answer so you cuss at an answering machine like you’ve never cussed at one before, but you forgot that your 11 year old brother who thinks you’re the bees knees is staying with you this weekend so he hears you cussing at your wife, and you feel really bad, and in the end…you get a frickin cat.
Shit like that.
So anyway, she got a cat, and we named it Jaqueda. Yep. You saw right.
I hate cats, so I decided that I’m going to get a dog. A little dog, something cool that I can teach tricks and maybe eventually will eat the cat.
So I got a German Shepherd.
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. “Aren’t those really big? Like, huge?” And you’d be right, kind of. Because when we went to look at it, it was little. And cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute. Because it was a puppy, see? And puppies never grow up to maul your house or you mercilessly. (This is exactly why I’m not allowed to look at baby tigers)
We named him Kronos, and paid for him with a check, which bounced about a week later, which lead to a whole other situation of cussing on the phone. He was also the dog that I gave a golden shower to
We didn’t have a “yard” per se. When I say, per se, I mean we had a patch of grass that was about 4 feet by 4 feet in back of our “house.”
Potty training Kronos was a bitch. Right before we got rid of him, he had it nailed though.
Anyaccident, one day Kronos had been a bad dog, and he was in his cage in the back of the house, which he got mad about, so he shit in it, then barked a lot so we’d let him out.
Well, we hadn’t exactly TOLD our landlord that we were keeping a German Shepherd IN HIS RENTAL HOUSE. He was pissed about the cat, and we figured he wouldn’t be able to handle knowing a giant police dog was being kept in it too. I didn’t need this thing barking and letting all our other neighbors know that we had fuckin Rin-Tin-Tin cooped up in a cage designed for a poodle. (Don’t judge me. He ate good.)
So I’ve told you all that to tell you this. I used to be mean and cruel to animals. It wasn’t for fun, it was a way to take out aggression. I would hit them and stuff, and just generally be mean. When I look back on it now, it really makes me feel bad, and yeah, I’m sorry for it. What can I say? I’ve changed a lot, and I’m not that way anymore. Hell, I might even go out for an NFL draft. (Don’t jude me. He ate good.)
Anybeatsdogsandgoestoprison, I was mad at him for barking, and so I went back to the back bedroom where he was, and started poking him with a golf club everytime he made a noise. I was trying to teach him to shut up, and yes, I fully plan on using this method with my children. (Don’t judge me. They’ll eat…well, whatever I leave them.)
The Missus, God love her, decided she had had about enough of my animal cruelty. So she dealt with it.
She came back, grabbed the golf club out of my hand, and SWUNG IT AS HARD AS SHE COULD AT MY FACE.
Here’s how I know that I’m cooler than Tiger.
The Missus, God love her, didn’t hit me with my own club.
I caught the club in mid-swing, bruising my hand pretty badly, then I wrapped my arm around it, pulled her in real close to me, face to face, and just stood there.
“Get out of my house.” she said.
I laughed at her, told her to let go of the golf club, she did, I put it back in my bag, and I went and watched TV. (Don’t judge me. She ate good.)
I’ll tell you this though, from that day on, I’ve been nice to animals.
Well, with the exception of poor Kevin. (Don’t judge me. He jumped in front of MY truck.)
Editors Note: Listen, I loved that dog, even though I was mean to him. Some of you feel that way about your spouse, so seriously, don’t judge. We had Kronos about a year, and he tore that little house of ours to shreds. He had help, but that’s another story for another day. When I had to get rid of him, I was teaching him how to turn the lights on and off. I trained that dog with mints leftover from our wedding. He was the best dog I’ve ever had, and I still miss the hell out of him. Wherever you are, Kronos, I miss you, and I hope you’re doing well. Oh. And please don’t call the ASCPA or Animal Planet or anybody on me, please? I don’t need a commercial made ABOUT me.
Kevin was probably awesome.
Kevin probably had a wife and a family, judging from the look of him, I’d say he was an adult. He probably had brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles and parents.
He probably went on trips in the spring and the fall, and he probably had lots of friends in a bunch of places around the world.
He was really kind of plain looking, kind of drab, even. No one would ever call him beautiful, and that’s just sad.
Another thing they wouldn’t have called Kevin was a good flyer.
You see, Kevin was a sparrow.
Yesterday, as I was preparing to leave the school, a couple of kids came up to me and said, “Hey Travis, you’ve got a bird on the tailgate of your truck.” I went out and looked, and there was nothing there. I didn’t think anything of it, because heck, it was a bird. Birds fly away. If I was a bird, I wouldn’t be caught dead on my truck.
Which as it turns out, wasn’t far from what happened. Not far at all.
So this morning, I go out to go to work, and I look at the grill of my truck. I find Kevin, stuck there, in all his dead bird glory.
Of course, I’ve taken the liberty:
You see, poor Kevin had the misfortune to be one in a group of sparrows that got in my way as I was running late to work yesterday. Really, they weren’t even in my way, they were off to the side of the road, but I guess my truck roaring by on the highway gave them a spook. They all took wing, with the exception of Kevin, who took a header straight into my chrome bumper.
“The early bird gets the worm, AND gets safely out of the way of a 95 Chevy truck speeding down the road.” -Travis Sloat
Kevin stuck with me through three trips yesterday, so I can only assume that his little body froze to my grill.
That’s nasty.
So today, I did what any normal person who didn’t want a taxidermied sparrow hood ornament would do.
I knocked him off the grill with a pitching wedge.
Why a pitching wedge you ask?
Well, two reasons.
1.) I don’t want to get the bird flu. Because for sure, iffen I get the bird flu, the swine flu will follow soon after, then the regular flu, and…well, let’s be honest. Maybe I should have gotten the bird flu. I could stand to lose some weight.
and
C.) I find that a pitching wedge gives you excellent control without giving up too much power around the greens. It produces a soft shot with some backspin, which came in handy when I chipped Kevin from my driveway to the nearest tree.
That’s closest to the pin, folks.
I win.
I’ve written something for Kevin, I’d like you to all read it to the tune of “Arms of an Angel” by Sara McLaughlin or however you spell it. Maybe you even want to play it in the background.
In the grill of a truck,you sped away from here.From this cold, sunny day, and the bigger birds that you feared.You were chipped from the grill, with a pitching wedge from me.You’re in the grass by the driveway, laying by a tree.
Rest in peace, Kevin.
Once again, thanks to Lee, or maybe thanks to my genius filmmaking, I’ve gotten some new followers. Folks, I just want to say that I do not normally condone birdicide, but this was just hilarious. If you don’t like this sort of low brow, “laughing about dead birds named Kevin” humor….well……
Go away.
That’s real.
Those that stay,
I love y’all. Let’s have some fun.