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The Fisher of Stories

John Travolta From Paris With Love


Yes, that’s a blatant Seinfeld episode title rip-off. Sue me. Actually, don’t. We’re trying to save money to build a house.This morning I sat down to type out a blog, and I thought, “Dang, I don’t really have any material. I wish the kids would do something funny or stupid.” Then I immediately asked forgiveness for that thought, knowing full well it would come to fruition just because I’d wished it. So I settled into work and forgot about the blog.On my lunch break, I went to get my hair cut. I decided to go a little shorter than I normally do, and I told Alicia that I’m considering trying to pull off the John Travolta “From Paris with Love” look. I really think I could rock the bald head and goatee look, and I’d like to try it out.
I can do this. Minus the earring. And the sex appeal. Oh, and the scarf.She didn’t say yes, but she didn’t say no either, so there’s a chance.So I’m now done with the haircut and decide to go get Chinese for lunch. When I walk in, I’m seated next to a gentleman who is…rocking the bald head and goatee look. I’m telling you, it’s a sign from God. Anyway, apart from being a divine symbol encouraging me to rid myself of these reddish blonde locks that alight my lumpy head, this guy wasn’t the interesting person in his party. It was his sidekick.This guy had THE BEST stories I have ever heard. He opened with a story about how his cousin had lifted a six foot four guy in the air with one arm until he peed on himself. Then he moved straight into a story about how his uncle was in Folsom prison with Merle Haggard. I have since searched the Wiki on Merle, and it said he was in San Quentin, but who am I to call this ol’ boy a liar? After telling about the imprisonment of his wayward uncle, GOB, (Good ol Boy) regaled his table with a story of how he played with some kids for forty five minutes by himself one time before someone told him they’d been molested before. Then he moved straight into a life lesson for the young man at the table, explaining that “men are designed to get angry, but they aren’t allowed to show it anymore, and most of us just die inside cause of that.” Then he enlightened his co-worker with the knowledge about ATM fees from Bank of America, saying, “Two dollars is two dollars!” He closed by asking his ride if he could swing him by the “Wall D Mart,” which triggered the mental image below.*insert long monologue about how K-Mart is the mart who lived…come to die*After they left their table, I got up wondering how my day could get anymore interesting. I mean, so far I’d had a decent haircut, a sign from God, and I’d been held rapt with the cunning linguistic stylings of the Bard of the New China Buffet.But there was more.You see, yesterday, my wonderful Duke Blue Devils got beat by the Miami Hurricanes. It was a terrible and completely preventable loss, and it pretty much ruined my day.Well, as I’m leaving the Chinese restaurant, I happen to notice that they have a vending machine that sells mini plastic college logo basketballs. I look closer, and lo and behold, they advertise there are Duke balls in that machine. So I start looking around the machine, prepared to spend any amount of money needed to fish a Duke ball out of there. I searched and searched, but they were all out of Duke University basketballs. Booooooooo. Not the way I want to start Rivalry Week.I walk out the front door, and I see a kid throw the tiny plastic basketball he just got out into the parking lot. The mom looked very frustrated, and she did not move to get the ball, which was now rolling into the road. The kid is crying, and I’m thinking, “The kid’s a douche, he shouldn’t get that ball anyway, he needs to learn not to throw stuff.” Then I think, “Wait, our Sunday School lesson yesterday was about helping people. Maybe God wants me to help this kid, after all he did give me the bald hair goatee sign earlier.”So I amble out to the road to pick this thing up, and I look at the mom and say, “I got it.” She thanks me and waits. I get to the ball, bend over, pick it up, flip it around to see the logo, and…Boom. In my face.After all that took place, I just KNEW my fortune cookie was going to have the kind of wisdom in it that can explain these things. Something like, “Hurricanes will make you bald, but they will leave your facial hair to capture the stories of men in overalls.”What it actually said was, “Deep faith destroys fear.”What an anti-climax.
I was 10 years old when I saw it.

Forever nicknamed “The Shot,” it would propel Duke into the annals of history, and it would make me a Duke fan forever.

However, at 10 years old, I wasn’t yet mature in my love of basketball. When they won the tourney in 92, I didn’t really care, and it would be 9 years before they won it again.

When they won in 2001, I had bigger fish to fry. I was proud that we won of course, but I was a senior in high school, I was takin care of my mom, and I was trying to bang girls.

However, about 4 years ago, I buckled in for a ride as I started following Duke basketball religiously. You can thank a young man named J.J. Reddick for that, the kid that everyone loved to hate on the team that everyone loves to hate.

There were 3 young men on that team that were freshmen. They went by the names of Scheyer, Thomas and Zoubek.

That Duke team spent the next 3 years getting pounded by UNC and that douchefuck Hansbrough. They lost in the first round of the tourney one year, and never made it past the Sweet 16. In the meantime, those fuckers over at Chapel Hill won a national title.

My heart was heavy.

However, this year was different. We started out winning games. Then we lost some on the road. Then we won some on the road. Then we beat the DOG SHIT out of UNC, and I was thrilled. Then we beat them again. Then we won the ACC Championship.

You may wonder why I keep saying “we.” It is because I am a FAN. I’m not a bandwagon guy. When they lose, I defend them vehemently to everyone of the Duke haters out there, which let’s face it, there are a LOT. I consider myself part of the team.

When we got the tits bracket in the tourney, it scared me more than anything. We were lambasted for getting such a spot, and people were predicting (even our own retarded president) that we’d be beaten by Villanova. Then 1 seeds started dropping like flies. We kept winning. People kept talking trash. We kept winning.

5 games we won, and it all came down to last night. The “David and Goliath” matchup. The “Hoosiers” sequel. And while I have the utmost respect for the Butler team that showed up last night, hell they had me on my knees in front of my TV when that last shot went up, but…


So yeah. The air is a little sweeter this morning. I have a pep in my step, and I have a happy song in my head. I spent two hours just sitting and watching the TV last night with a shit eating grin on my face. I have that same grin while I’m typing this. As I write it, kids are filtering in either congratulating me or just avoiding eye contact. It is the greatest feeling in the world, and I get a whole year of trash talking that goes along with it. Even though they’ll never read this, I have something to say to the seniors.

Scheyer, you left it all on the floor. You led your team this year, and you did it superbly. You deserve this.

Zoubek, I loved you and hated that little bone in your foot for 3 years. Thanks for being a hero last night, but I gotta tell you. If Hayward had hit that last shot… Woo.

Thomas, I don’t know  how they play ball in Jersey, but for sure after watching you play last night and this year in general, I want to go take lessons. You are the ultimate team player. You might not get the credit, but you handle that with a poise that I would have trouble with. You are a hero.

To the rest of my beloved Blue Devils, I want you to know that I have backed you all season, and I have endured much grief while doing it. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat, and I am so proud of you all!

Singler and Smith, umm…please stick around one more year, k? Thanks.


By the way, if you want to talk shit about this, go ahead. I’ll just take that as a sign of your respect. I don’t expect to get a response to this, because I am one of 3 Duke fans in the whole of blogland. Worth it. That’s right, baby. It’s senior night for Mr. Scheyer, Mr. Zoubek, and Mr. Thomas.

To these gentlemen, I tip my hat.

Thanks for the memories, boys!



Duke, we thy anthems raise
For all thy praises untold
We sing for the Blue and White
Whose colors we uphold …..(TO HELL WITH CAROLINA!)
Firm stands our line of blue
For we are loyal through and through
Fighting with the spirit true
For the love of old D. U.

LET’S GO BLUE DEVILS!Today’s post is brought to you by Supah Mommy. She is a pretty cool lady that for sure likes attention as much as I do, so she started her own thing. Which, by the way, I just want to say thanks to all those who participated in Memoir Monday yesterday! Even without a few of the regulars, we had record attendance!

Here’s what I’ve got to toss at you this week. Let’s see what sticks. (heh)

Hey everyone!

I just wanted to be the first to tell everyone Happy Thanksgiving!

I wasn’t.

So, I don’t know what number I am, but it looks like I’m currently in somewhere around last place.

So. I will be the first to say this!

Hey. Indians? We’re real sorry about everything. That’s our bad.

Maybe free cheese and Twilight making y’all look good will make up for it?



Yep, you heard right. I’ve known for a while now, but I’ve not been able to blog about it, because my sis in law respects the fact that my blogs are read by the entire WORLD and she didn’t want a lot of people finding out. She released the gag order yesterday, and also found out what the baby will be! You ready???

It’s going to be a GIRL!!!

I gotta be honest with you though, this changes my whole philosophy as an uncle. I feel so sorry for the poor bastard that comes to my brothers door 18 years from now with dating that girl on his mind. If he makes it out  the door with clean pants and no broken appendages, shit will be a miracle.


I’m guest posting today at Stir Fry Awesomeness! It’s a repeat post, but many of you may not have read it. Shoot, it’s already picked me up 3 new followers! Love you guys!

Go Here To Read!

Alright, I’ll let you go.

Have a very happy Thanksgiving, and once again, I would just like to say that I am very thankful for each and every one of y’all!

Even Ed

What I’m NOT thankful for?

The University of North Carolina, it’s mens basketball program, the coach, and all the evil that they stand for.


You have until 11:59 PM of November 18th to get to 46 comments. I don’t really know why I’m even doing this, because it’s obvious you won’t make it!!! Suck it, bloggy readers!

So I’m gonna be pretty lame today.

“Hey. Isn’t he always pretty lame?”

Shut your whore mouth.

Anyway, I’ve had a busy Novemeber, and I just thought you might want to hear about it.

Novemeber 1st was my birthday. I turned 27. Since most of the men in my family die at 40, this means I have 13 years left to live. A lot of people get upset when I talk like that. I still don’t understand why. I guess maybe they want my fat ass around a little bit longer, and I’m okay with that. Thanks.

Anyway, November 1st also started something called “No Shave November.” It’s something that one of the colleges in Oklahoma claims to have started. Either way, I decided to participate in it. The Missus, being the lady that she is, decided she didn’t want to walk around with a husband that looked as if he had pubic hairs glued to his face. Which is what my “beard” happens to look like. So she started a new tradition in our home called, “No Sex November.” I made it to the 12th. I don’t really even remember why I held out that long. I’m an idiot.

I’ve been busy on my novel. Last count, I was at 25k and some change. I made it to that by the halfway deadline, so I was proud of myself. I haven’t written in two days though. I’ve just been contemplating the ending and how I want to wrap things up. I’ll start again soon.

My Duke Blue Devils started their season. They are 2-0, and I’m excited. We have a bunch of tall skinny white boys on the team that look as if at some point during the season, I might be able to call them monsters. I don’t think it’s a National Championship team yet, but I do know that Ed over at Ed’s Funny Pages will be wearing a Duke cap come March.

I broke up two fights here at the school last Friday morning. The first one between two boys, the second between two girls. In the boys fight, the one I grabbed looked down at me and said, “Get your fuckin hand off my chest.” Then he saw who I was. His temporary moment of insanity cleared up, and just in time. That was the extent of my injuries. The girls fight? Oh, I’m glad you asked. We just said, “Hey, gals? Can we break this up? And they stopped and hugged and cried and had popcorn and watched Twilight together. It was so sweet. Yeah… I’m lying. You know how I’m always talking about punching someone in the throat or neck? That happened to me. Upon restraining one of the girls in the fight, the other one got loose FROM TWO FREAKIN TEACHERS, and punched me twice in the neck and once in the throat. Yeah. Do you have any idea how hard it is to not punch someone who has just punched you in the throat?!? I do.

I learned yesterday that no matter how funny that you think racism in the state of Kentucky is, not everyone is going to find it as funny as you. I guess we’ve not yet reached a point in this great country where pointing out someones backwards way of thinking is funny, but we can damn sure make fun of Jesus all the time. Talk about a comment killer. Hell, I had to double check my following to see if they were still there. But then, everyone showed up and loved my video blog, but hated Nic Cage. Note to self. Nic Cage and racism are bad blogging topics.

Speaking of followers, I picked up 3 new ones yesterday with that vlog! That’s exciting stuff! I’d like to welcome you all to the fold, and I just want you to know that any Kool-Aid offered to you is sure to be poison free. That ain’t how I roll.

I’m wicked ready for New Moon. Yeah, I know that makes me gay. But guess what? I totally have the chance to have sex with a woman tonight. So does that make me gay? Yeah, chances are, I’ll say something to ruin it, but that’s just because I’m a man.

I guess I’ll leave you alone. Told you it wouldn’t be funny today, but I have a challenge for you. Let’s rise to it! I asked the question a while back “What song would you want stuck in your head for the rest of your life?” I asked you not to answer that in the comments, but in an email to me to be part of something that may or may not go down as the biggest fail since Palin hooked up with that grizzly bear that told her “he had connections, so she would win for sure.” Anybeastiality, I now want you to answer that question in the comments! Let’s see how many people respond! If you came over from Facebook, you can leave one anonymously! Lets set a goal, shall we? 93 followers on blogger, 61 on Facebook, taking into account that Facebook people never comment, 93 and 61 is 154, lets say, 30% of that. That’s 46 comments!

I want 46 comments, people. You can do it. Show me you can! The question is, “What song would you want stuck in your head the rest of your life?”


P.S. I love you guys, I really do. If I get 46 comments on this blog, all by different people, I promise you this. I will take suggestions on something humiliating for me to do on film, and post it here on this blog. That is my oath to my readers. Let’s see if you can do it.

Dear Person Who Was On My Blog At The University of North Carolina,


Unless of course, you are not a student at said university. In that case, I highly suggest you find another computer to browse the Internets on. I’m sure that UNC puts some kind of mind control stuff on their computers. Thank you for reading.



That’s real. Red Lobster started their endless shrimp, and Duke posted their basketball schedule!
This is the best news I’ve had in days.
Sorry for not posting, I’ll get back in the swing of it soon. Believe it or not, nothing funny has happened, and I think people may be tired of my stories!
I love you all,