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The Fisher of Stories

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Something big is going down tomorrow, y’all. Something huge. Something so awesome it can’t really be measured on a scale of awesomeness. It doesn’t behoove me to use the word “epic,” mostly because I hate how that word is overused. But it’s the closest you can get to epic without being disappointing. It’s going to be incredible, and I’m going to be there. And it’s happening tomorrow. What is it? Now that I’ve kept you in suspense long enough, I’ll tell you.

Duuuuuuuuuuuuuude. Did you just watch that? How pumped are you? THEY’RE ALL BAD GUYS THIS TIME AND THE ROCK IS IN IT. How are you not calling for your advance ticket right now?

Now I understand that some of you may have been living under a rock for the past 10 years and may not know anything about the F&F (that’s right I just gave it a nickname) franchise (that’s right I just called it a franchise). So let me get you caught up.

2001. Dude is a cop, he tries to catch some people stealing TVs and DVRs, winds up being compromised and lets his suspect get away. Included the most popular phrase among teens ever recorded in a motion picture: “I live my life a quarter mile at a time…”

2003: This film brings the addition of Tyrese, who will forever be an idiot to me because of “Baby Boy.” There is a Skyline in this movie. It is awesome. Also Ludacris is in it, making it awesome by default. Cop is being given one more shot by the FBI, he of course screws them over.

2006: The movie has a completely different protagonist, it’s set in Japan, and is widely regarded as the worst of the series. I liked it because it had fine Japanese chicks in Hello Kitty skirts and OMG VIN DIESEL WAS IN THE ENDING.

2009: This brings back pretty much all the original cast, minus the smoking fine girl that was Vin’s girlfriend. Lot’s of action, some desert racing, but a little too much CGI. Still though, amazing movie.


20??: If they stop making these movies I might seriously kill myself. It’s like, what is there to live for anymore, you know? So hear me now, F&F makers, DON’T STOP. Keep this thing going as long as Vin has any kind of muscle tone. If it has to be F&F 56: Hoveround Wars, that’s fine. You keep it going. You can put nitrous on a Rascal and don’t try to tell me you can’t.

So in conclusion, your plans had better involve going to see this movie tomorrow night. I’m going to see it in IMAX, because bigger is better when it comes to that chick in the bikini you saw in that trailer. Also, could The Rock get any more awesome? Yes he can, in IMAX.

p.s. Seriously, I’m excited. I don’t think I’ve been this excited about anything in years, at least since 2009, and they pretty much told us the other day that we were getting kids. Don’t judge me, I like fast cars. 

p.p.s. I need to borrow a fast car to drive after watching the movie tomorrow night. I have to put into practice what I just saw. Please make sure that it has a V-8 and full coverage insurance before loaning to me. Also wash it. Thanks. 

p.p.p.s. I seriously pulled off the word “behoove” in a post about a movie starring The Rock and Ludacris. I am a literary god. 

My buddy Kid Funk got a new grill for his birthday, and I went over yesterday to help him set it up. Okay, I didn’t really help too much, mostly just gave him nuts and bolts when he hollered for them. Let me tell ya, that grill is nice. Kudos to his parents for gettin it for him. The first thing we cooked on it? Hot dogs, smoked sausages, chili and jalapenos. Those peppers were awesome. I heart his grill.
As we were finishing up the movie Juno, he had a quote that has to be shared. This isn’t on topic, but it was hilarious. “If I was a woman, as good as they are with scars these days, I’d just have a C-section. I don’t even like takin big dumps, really.” That was classic Funk.
After dinner, we were flippin through channels, and saw that The Shawshank Redemption (aka The Shank) was coming on. This movie is incredible. If you haven’t seen it, you may as well stop reading, because you aren’t going to get anything out of this post. It’s a classic great movie, starring Tim Robbins, Morgan Freeman and Bob Gunton. I won’t give any plot points away here, but there may be some given away in the “what I’ve learned” section. SEE THIS MOVIE!!!
Things I’ve Learned from The Shank:
1. The first one goes to Kid Funk. In prison, you should always have a hobby that will eventually help you escape.
2. If you go to prison, you should see if Morgan Freeman is there. If he’s not, you should befriend an old black man. Preferably one who admits his guilt for his crime. The wisdom of these men can’t be overlooked, and they will eventually get you pictures of half naked chicks for your cell, which will come in handy on particularly lonely nights, or iffen you’re digging a large hole in your wall.
3. After you finish digging a tunnel to get out, and you’re feeling a bit cramped in it, get sent to the hole for a couple of months. It will help you shed those pesky pounds and get you in prime tunnel crawling shape. Plus it really adjusts your night vision.
4. Always get the cell at the end of the row completely by chance.
5. If a gay bully asks you in the shower if anyone has gotten to you yet, tell him, “Yes, thank you, someone has.” Andy didn’t do this, and it may have saved him a lot of time tryna not get raped in the laundry room if he had. Also, make sure you have a good line memorized about bite reflexes. This movie could have turned into a most hated if Andy hadn’t done that.
6. Write a letter a week to SOMEONE while you’re in jail. They will eventually send you a check, and some books for a library, which will turn you into a hero.
7. If a guy comes in and claims to know the person that framed you for the crime you didn’t commit, run. Tell him to never talk to you again, and certainly don’t become friends with him and administer a GED test to him. You are guaranteeing his death.
8. Always hide tools for escaping in the Bible. No one will ever actually open it to find those tools.
9. Try to pick your night for crawling through the sewer with care. Taco night, for example, would be a bad night. Also chili night, beans night, nacho night, Chinese night, any meal with asparagus night and tamale night would be bad ideas. Come to think of it, just try to find another pipe to crawl through.
10. Finally; Try not to cry on the first night. I’m not sure how the guards today are, but it got that fat guy killed. Being husky myself, I took offense to that. Rough him up a bit, take away dessert for a week, stuff like that. Don’t beat him to death with a baton. That’s lame.
All in all, there are probably many more lessons we can each take from this wonderful cinematic achievement. If you haven’t seen the movie, please do so. You will love it. Also, feel free to add things that you’ve learned from the movie as comments to this post!

I am getting old.

I know I’m only 26, but man. I went to the midnight showing of Transformers 2 last night, got home around 3, went to bed around 3:30, and woke up at 7:30 to go to work. I use the term “woke up” loosely, because I’m still not entirely there. At one point in my life I could stay up for a week on nothing but sugar, Mountain Dew and sheer hormones. That seems to have all changed. If I’m not in bed by midnight, my body stops doing things for me in the morning. The little things, that you really don’t appreciate until your body decides that it’s had enough in this relationship. Things like coordination. Reflexes. The ability to construct a proper sentence. And what I appreciate the most, the ability to maintain a constant speed without the help of cruise control. On my way to work this morning, I would look down and be doing 85, then 45. I hate using cruise control in rush hour. Cruise in rush hour will get you killed.

On to the movie. This movie was sick. Amazing. Unbelievable! Sick is one of those words that my high school brother says a lot. Apparently it means cool. It doesn’t work in all situations tho. “Honey, that lingerie you had on last night was SICK!” That right there would get you killed. Or divorced. And shoot, if I got divorced, I might as well be dead, because I have no idea how to survive on my own. On the subject of wives, The Missus loved the movie too! On the way home, she said, “It wouldn’t surprise me if GM’s stock goes up tomorrow.” What a smart lady! For sure, I haven’t checked it, but I bet it’s up. I know I wanted the new Corvette they introduced in the movie. I think it may just be a concept, but who cares. Turn that thing out!

At one point, I grew a little frustrated, when the entire world was looking for Shia Beefy and Megan (so damn) Foxy… They were in Egypt, and they were in the what I’m pretty sure was the only set of 2010 vehicles in the country. Pretty easy to find, right? I mean, how long does a flyover of Egypt take? 15, maybe 17 seconds? “Umm, hey Bravo 2? We need to see if you can fly over Egypt and see if you see anything unusu….” “Bravo 2 to base, you mean 3 brand new, brightly painted 2010 model cars? Yeah… I’ve got them.” Pretty simple, I would think. But it doesn’t make for good filmmaking. Woulda made for about an hour and a half long film, but…who knows? I don’t. The two little small cars made for some funny side banter, but near the end, I was happy to see one of them killed. Then supremely disappointed to find that he hadn’t been killed…

Also, is anyone else disappointed that God is an Autobot? I was really kind of expecting more of a fatherly figure, a robe…maybe a beard. White hair and what not. But nope, He’s an Autobot I guess. Turns out, when you go to heaven, a group of big scary metal machines meets you, and after you piss yourself, if you’ve helped an Autobot, you get to go back down to Earth to put stuff in Autobots. I guess if you didn’t help an Autobot, you have to spend eternity in a pit of Ford vehicles. Seriously. I don’t think I saw a single Ford symbol in that whole movie. I think if a Ford vehicle transformed, it would be lynched. I just don’t think they’re allowed. Anyhow, Imma stick with my view on religion and believe in Jesus. Thanks. Call that closed minded, but I don’t wanna get to heaven and have Jesus look at me and say, “Autobots, Travis? Really? At what point did you stop using the brain I gave to you? I’m sorry, but you gots to bounce.”

If I see a semi runnin around that looks like this though, Imma tell it thank you. Just in case.

The end of the movie was amazing. I laughed, I cried and I had adrenaline rushes that caused my to leave the movie theater hoping that my Mitsubishi Outlander would turn into a totally cool metal man with a huge cannon. It ended with a little speech by Optimus, like the last one. And, like the last one, a big American flag rolled down in the theater, and we all saluted and said the pledge of allegiance. We were inspired. We were motivated. We were ready to form alliances with our respective vehicles and live with them in harmony and never try to kick them off our planet ever again…

Wait. Or was that just me?