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The Fisher of Stories


Note to the reader: This may be a tl;dr post for you, and I don’t want that to happen. If you want to get to the meat and potatoes of things, skip to “So here’s what I’ve done.” If you want a cute story about how my wife loves me, scroll down to the bit about chips. It may just make you interested enough to read the whole thing. 

I’m traditionally terrible at the New Year’s Resolutions. For example, last year I decided I was going to lose a bunch of weight, read twenty-four new books, and try to become famous.

  • I lost about thirty pounds from January to April, then gained it back.
  • I read 16 new books, and most of those were because of the Young Adult Lit. course I took.
  • I became somewhat Internet famous after posting a certain picture online.


So this year I didn’t really have many resolutions. I kind of thought that I should eat healthier, but I probably won’t. I mean, it’s 2014, shouldn’t we have calorie-free nachos by now? We’re all looking at you scientists.

I just want to mention here that I am absolutely terrified about this Velveeta shortage happening right now. I know, I know, it’s not real cheese, but that’s neither here nor there. MY NACHOS WON’T BE MADE WITH CHEDDAR AND RO-TEL GUYS. I’ve called for President Obama to look into the situation, but I just about bet he’s too busy with his “healthcare” to worry about it. 

I’d really like to get to those twenty-four new books, but I highly doubt that’s going to happen, mostly because of my insane school schedule this year. I’d really like to have audio books widely accepted by literary circles as actual reading, but I honestly think that would be tougher than calorie-free nachos.

As for fame, I’ve kind of realized it won’t happen for me because I’m not ready for it. I know that because the following thought has actually gone through my head:

“What if some famous Internet site actually offers me money for an interview because of the turtle picture? Would that be selling out?” 

I’m not even kidding about that. It’s something I’ve spent at least an hour thinking about. An hour. A legit hour. So I don’t think fame is right for me. I’ll probably need to sort out a few priorities before the good Lord actually blesses me with real fame, and not just fame acquired by taking my shirt off on the Internet, a picture which, God help them, my children will probably find one day.

So what does one do then, if resolutions are not to be conceived in the new year? Does one set goals for themselves, which are resolutions cleverly disguised in a shorter word? Or does one proceed willy-nilly into the year, running amuck amongst the freedoms granted one by one not having tethered themselves to the “same old, same old?”

My hat is off to you if you understand that paragraph. If you sort of checked out after the first sentence, basically I’m asking if I should even try to set up some sort of guidelines for improving my life in 2014.

So here’s what I’ve done. I’ve just decided that I want to work on a couple of things in 2014. I’m not saying I’m going to perfect them, I’m just saying I want to see if I can’t improve them just a little bit. And here they are, in no certain order.

  • I want to work on my out of control consumerism.
  • I want to work on rediscovering why I fell in love with my wife.

Guys, I want stuff. I want guns. I want the latest Apple product. I want the Beats headphones. I want the brand new television. I want a new truck. I want, I want, I want. I am never satisfied, and I know that’s not right.

Actually I want the new Hyperbole and a Half book too.

It’s something that really went out of control in 2013. Something, that if left unchecked, could possibly drive my family into financial collapse. I don’t believe that a husband and father should do that to their family. And it’s not just stuff. 

It’s coming home and eating the food that my wife has cooked because if I make something else I’m essentially wasting food.
It’s maybe not getting the brand-name body wash and shampoo, because that’s extra money that could go into my gas tank. 
It’s maybe not taking that extra trip to hang out with friends because that extra gas money could be used to get me back and forth to work a couple of times. 
It’s saying no to people, even when I don’t want to, because my family and their comfort are more important than my social life. 
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying at all that the occasional money wasted on good fun isn’t something that can’t be done. You should certainly enjoy those things once in a while. But can I cut back on them? Probably. Should I? Yes, it’s something I need to work on.

My absolute nemesis may make a repeat appearance in 2014.

As for rediscovering why I fell in love with my wife, I’m slowly coming to the realization that I’ve wasted a lot of time over the past decade ignoring her. It’s taking me meeting with a leader in my church to see it, and it’s something that I’ve recently started working on.
Instead of griping about the messy house, I’ve realized that God has blessed me with two hands and the ability to figure out the buttons on the dishwasher. 
Instead of demanding things from her, I’ve started asking “How can I help?” 
Instead of sending her text messages telling her things, I’m trying to talk to her more in person about the important things. 
Instead of staring at the television (even during a Duke game) or my phone, while she tries to talk to me about her day, I’m trying to pause the television or put down my phone and just listen, because she needs someone to talk to, and I’m the guy she picked to talk to.
And here’s the kicker. Here’s the bee’s knees. Here’s the wasp’s nipples. Here, as Douglas Adams said, is the entire set of erogenous zones of every flying insect of the western world.
She bought me a bag of chips the other night. 
Now I can understand how you might see that as a bit of weird thing to say. “Chips?” you say. “How can a bag of chips help Travis understand the incredibly deep love his wife has for him? Has he gone off the deep end? Has his love for food so completely blocked his ability to think/blog that we’re now forced to listen to his rambling about a deep fried potato?”
imageAnd to that I say, just bear with me. And also, she doesn’t know I’m blogging about this, so I may be in trouble.
Here’s why the chips were special. 
1. She knows I love chips — She was thinking about me. She saw something in the store and said, “Oh I think Travis would like that.”
2. We didn’t really have the extra money to spend on them — We’re strapped from Christmas like I’m sure most of you are, and we’re trying to recover. But she did it anyway because she knew it would make me happy.
3. She didn’t let the kids touch them and she never asked for one or tried to grab a couple — She was completely selfless in the purchase. She could have easily allowed it to become a treat for the entire family, but she saved them for me.
I was talking to my buddy during our weekly meeting this morning and I broke down when I told him about the chips. I think it hit me, at that moment, that this was one of the reasons I fell in love with my wife. Not because she buys me chips, but because she’s seen me at my absolute worst, and still loves me enough to do the tiny things that she knows will make me happy.
The thought occurred to me, that, in trying to rediscover why I fell in love with my wife, I may be inadvertently helping her discover why she fell in love with me.
And that, my friends, is worth me trying to work on.
I may not have resolutions for 2014, but if working on things helps me get a few more metaphorical bags of chips in this new year, then I’ll take work over resolve every year for the rest of my life.
What are you going to work on this year?

My word I’m sexy. Also my wife, my wife is sexy too.

image2010 has been crazy already.

Here are some things I’ve learned.

1.) Not all cops are douchebags.

2.) If your tag is 6 months out of date, you should get a new one.

3.) A 1995 Chevy pickup requires brake fluid for the brakes to operate.

4.) Home-ec student made chili is a WICKED bad idea. Twice.

5.) If you think that your 65″ Mitsubishi flat screen TV doesn’t work, maybe you should plug it in first, because if you just leave it behind when your house gets foreclosed on, Travis and The Missus will get a brand new TV.

6.) Liquid diets will, in fact, kill you.

7.) Chili’s is a great way to end an almost life ending diet.

8.) Jillian Michaels is a bitch.

9.) Going back to school after a Christmas vacation sucks the worst kind of ass.

10.) No one really understood National Palindrome Day.

11.) It is entirely possible to be drunk for 48 hours.

12.) Skillet is great for emo time.

13.) I REALLY like Lady Gaga.

14.) Learning 15 things in 5 days is WAY too much.

I totally ripped this idea from Ginger Mandy, who posted something similar yesterday, and who is currently ostracizing me on Twitter for a comment made to a friend of her’s, and I totally called it.

“I feel stupid, but I think I’ve been catchin on. I feel ugly, but I know I still turn you on.” -Matchbox 20.


That’s right.

I ended with a Matchbox 20 song lyric.

Yesterday’s post was kind of crazy, eh?

I think I was still a little boozed up.

Anyway, yesterday was day one of The Diet.

I had 655 calories. I didn’t exercise because I was hung over and drunk.

To be honest, it wasn’t near as bad as I thought it would be. I wasn’t hungry much, and I didn’t have any kind of pain or headaches. I really think that will come later though.

I’ve done some research and I found out that if you eat 500 or less calories a day, you’ll lose 21 pounds a week. That’s kind of encouraging for me.

Thank y’all for all the support and encouragment and mothering that you’ve done. I just want to tell you that I am being VERY careful, and I swear, if I feel light headed or faint of just generally hungry, I’ll high tail it a Chinese buffet.

I hope your new year started out better than mine, which started at work, and listening to my co-worker saying at least 10 times, “I could have made Paranormal Activity on my laptop.”

Can one of y’all just send me about $600 a month so I don’t have to work 2 jobs? That’d be cool.

Thanks. See you back tomorrow for day 2!

Well, the year is ending.

As far as years go, it’s been pretty lame. But I can tell you this, it has been a HELL of a lot better than last 2008. I was so happy that 08 was over, I did a little dance last New Years.

A lot of people would say that this year was pretty bad because of all the money things, but I have to tell you, when you start out broke and finish broke, the stock market crashing isn’t something you notice.

Either way, there was something I did gain in ’09.


I know this may come as a shock to some of you, but yeah. I did.

My body and mind hashed this out the other day, and I’m going to give you a snippet of the conversation.

Mind: Hey. Fatass.
Body: What up?
Mind: You see how I just called you fatass and you responded?
Body: Dang. I did, huh?
Mind: You did. Listen. Either way, we’re going on a diet.
Body: Like hell we are.
Mind: I’m serious. You have a problem, and it’s getting worse.
Body: You have a problem.
Mind: Really? You’re gonna do this again? Can’t we just talk about it?
Body: You’re gonna do this again.
Mind: Well, I’m still going to say my piece. We’re going on a diet, and it’s going to be drastic.
Body: No. We’re not. You’re gay. How drastic?
Mind: All liquids, very low calorie.
Body: No man. Liquid? Like shakes and stuff? Like milkshakes? Egg nog, maybe?
Mind: Not at all. Like, 800 calories a day.
Body: Do you know that we normally eat about 4000?
Mind: Trust me, I know.
Body: Do you know that’s like a bazillion less?
Mind: It’s not quite tha…
Mind: Geez. It’s a lot. I know.
Body: No. We won’t do it. I will cause a mutiny down here, you don’t even know. I will make you shit yourself. In public.
Mind: No you will not.
Body: I will. Twice, if you want to push me.
Mind: Just so you know, you won’t be able to do that if I’m drinking all liquids.
Body: Hard ons.
Mind: What?
Body: I will give you so many embarrassing hard ons. In crazy places. Just set foot in a church. I dare you.
Mind: Listen. It’s gonna happen. We’re doing it.
Body: Just try, you smart ass sumbitch.

So yeah, that’s kind of how it went down.

I have one goal in the new year. To lose 145 pounds. And I’m going to do it with no surgery. I’m actually going to try diet and exercise for the first time in my life.

I really don’t know what I’ll do if even accomplish half that goal.

But I need y’alls support. For the first six weeks of 2010, I won’t be eating at all. Yogurt, Slim-Fast (probably the cheap Wal-Mart brand of it because I’m broke) and broth for six weeks. If I can’t do that, I might as well just go jump off a cliff. That’s real.

Food is an addiction to me, and I’m going to cure that addiction.

I plan on blogging my diet adventures with you. It may not be pretty, but for sure, I have a goal, and I will meet it. My goal for those first 6 weeks? 60 pounds.

I have said it before and I’ll say it again. I have the most loyal followers in the world, and I’m expecting your support here! Don’t bail on me now! I love you guys!

Happy New Year to you all, and may the next year and next decade be filled with faith, family, love and riches beyond your wildest dreams. And then may you share them with me.

Oh yeah, and by the way, Ed and Moog’s pick won by a landslide yesterday. So I’ll be getting together with them, and I’ll let you know what I’m going to do for the video in the new year!