This post is directed to some people I met in the mall today while I was working. I’m gonna comprise this post of short letters to those people.
Dear People who come to the mall at 10, even though it opens at 12,
Please stop. It’s very weird to see you slowly walk circles around the mall until stores open. It’s not like you’re gonna buy anything anyway. Nothing was released today. It’s not Christmas. Please go home and wait till 12.
Dear “Cool Guy” who walks around the mall for 6 hours with no bags,
Why are you here, cool guy? Is it to scope the 16 year old chicks when you are plainly over 20? Are you here to purchase things that are as cool as you? Also, cool guy, long sleeves in summer is STUPID. Not cool. I bet you listen to Birthday Sex and think it’s cool, don’t you? You might be the only person that actually reads the letter intended for them. I know you don’t know the meaning of impry… And guess what? IT’S NOT A REAL WORD!!!
Dear 14 year old that had her shorts cut so short that the pockets were showing at the bottom,
Really? I bet you’re the same kind of girl that grows up and wonders why men treat you like an object. YOU’RE 14! Wear pants. If you can’t wear pants, wear long shorts. 14 year old boys are hormone DRIVEN, and you’re leaving absolutely nothing to the imagination. Where are your parents? Tell them to call me.
Dear security guard,
I know you don’t get segways in our little mall, and I know that upsets you. I know you dream of one day hitting it big at the Tulsa mall and getting your own segway. But until then, think you could look alive and walk around a bit? Stop talking to that 14 year old girls pockets.
Dear old people mall walking,
I know you’re old. I know you don’t care. But could you please get out of my way when I’m pushing a rack with clothes on it that is very unweildly down the hall? I wouldn’t walk in the way of the surgeon that is giving you a hip replacement, would I?
Dear people that I used to work with at Foot Locker,
I know I only worked there for 2 weeks, but could you please remember my name or not talk to me?
Dear Asian guy that walked around the corner just as I made the Jet Li crack,
I’m really sorry. I love Jet Li. Please don’t hurt me, and please don’t look at me like I’m a bad person for mentioning a dominant figure in your race. Do you know him? Can you get me an autograph?
I go back to work tomorrow. Can’t wait to see what kind of winners show up on a Monday.