Look folks, I’m finally doing a TMI Thursday!
Lilu over at LivitLuvit invented this little number, and if you want to read more stories of a nasty and disturbing nature, go check out her site on Thursdays.
I was working at the jail one night, and I was in the tower, which means you are kind of forgotten about. The other employees don’t want to get stuck up there while you take a 30 minute bathroom break, so they tend to ignore your needs.
I had to pee pretty bad, because I had just drank a 40 oz vanilla coke. I LOVED vanilla coke when it came out. It was the bees knees.
Kid Funk worked at the jail as well, and he came up to relieve me for his shift in the tower. He came bearing a gift, in the form of a half liter of milk. I love milk. I was so thankful for this, that I immediately downed the entire half liter, not thinking about the soon to be disastrous consequences.
As I started the less than mile drive home, I felt the rumble. The poo siren was singing her song, and as Peter Griffen says, I knew it was gonna be a “photo finish.” I get home, unlock the door, throw my keys somewhere, and start strippin off clothes.
We had a German Shepherd at the time, who’s name was Kronos. I loved that dog, and it was a shame we had to get rid of him. Anyway, Kronos knew some basic commands, but his favorite was shake. As I blasted into the bathroom, where we kept the dog in case he had an accident, he watched with curiosity as I sat down on the toilet.
I believe the expression currently used is Assplosion.
I don’t know how many of you are capable of taking a poo and NOT peeing at the same time, and Kid Funk and I are of the opinion that no one can. Except ladies. Ladies don’t poo. Anyhow, when I sat down on the toilet, I didn’t make sure that…ahem…everything attached to my body went…ahem…in.
So there I am dropping the kids off at the pool, and I turn loose the fountain. ALL OVER THE DOG. That poor dog did not know what happened. He yelped, and ran around in circles for a minute, appropriately upset. I pinched it off after getting some on the shower curtain, and got everything tucked away.
Kronos, still looking rather confused and wet, walked right back in front of me and sat down. I was thoroughly exhausted. I couldn’t move, it had drained the life right out of me. I looked at Kronos and I said, “Help me, Kronos.” He looked right into my eyes and lifted his big ol paw in a shake gesture.
Man I miss that dog.
Hope you enjoyed this rather humiliating and nasty story, and if you are a close relative and reading this, please just avoid eye contact with me from here on out. I’m totally kidding, but lets not discuss this one around the dinner table, eh? Thanks.