This past Saturday I had to help my brother and my sis-in-law with an elementary basketball tournament at our hometown gym.
And really, it would have been. But some things went wrong. First, I was told it would be lasting till about 3. I left at 8. Second, I had about $1000 change through my hands. Some of you are going, “Damn. Must be nice.” Well, I need to tell you that I saw none of that money. What I did see was a Sunday of being sicker than a dog, because people must wipe themselves with their money before using it to buy nachos and a diet Coke at the ballgame.
I also had the opportunity to meet some characters. I’ve taken the liberty of writing some letters to these characters. I’ve done this before, but to people at the mall. You can read that here. Seriously. Go read it, grab a beer, and come back. I’ll wait.
Back? What kind of beer did you grab? Are you drinking on the job? You probably shouldn’t be. Anyway, on with the letters.
Dear Ex Teacher,
I know that no one likes you. I know that we fired you because, in fact, no one really liked you. I know that no one wanted you at the tourney, and I know that probably even your own granddaughter didn’t really want you to be there. I know you probably also have a very small….ego, and I know that you feel the need to compensate for it by acting like a badass, even though you’re 4 feet tall. But did you really have to tell the school board president that you were going to punch him in the face if he said one more word? I don’t think that was necessary. Nor did I enjoy leaving my post in the concession stand to come out and get between two grown ass men who know better than to set that kind of example in front of FREAKING 5th and 6th graders. Congratulations, doucher. You’ve successfully reached asshat status.
Dear Lady Who Came To The Fight To Get Her Two Cents In,
Yeah, we know you flashed the baseball team a few years back, and that got you fired. In hindsight, you probably realize this was a bad idea. So do you make up for it by jumping in the fight between ex teacher and school board member? One would think no, but you proved otherwise. I have to say, you fully deserved it when ex teacher said, “Why don’t you just go coach the baseball team! HA!” and pointed at you like you’d just given him an assist. Which I guess in a way, you kinda did. Seriously. No one wanted to see those, and no one wants to see you. Nuff said.
Dear People Who Yell “OVER THE BACK!” Constantly,
We all know that you don’t know what “over the back” means. Matter of fact, most of us know that about 89% of the population doesn’t know what it means. We know that you heard it yelled in a high school game one time, and you thought it sounded cool, so you thought you’d adopt it as your own personal catch phrase and scream it at the ref’s every single time your team has the ball. I don’t think you fully realize how hard it is for an elementary ball player to go over the back on someone. They simply don’t have that kind of athleticism, unless one of them gets on their knees first, and let’s be honest, then they’re just playing leapfrog, and that shit is cute. THEY’RE 5TH AND 6TH GRADERS. Save the yelling at the ref bit for high school, eh stupid parent?
Dear Coach Of The School That Thinks They’re Better Than Everyone Else,
It honestly would not bother me at all if you just up and got the swine flu. You were up by 35 points in the 4th quarter, and you were yelling at the referees because you thought you were getting an unfairly called game. You should consider yourself very lucky, sir, that I was not wearing the striped shirt of a referee. You would have been ejected faster than Princess Diana. Wow. Too soon? Anyway, all I’m sayin is, stop letting these kids think that anytime something goes wrong, it’s the ref’s fault. You’re doing nothing but raising a generation of kids that will look at the referee every time a ball clangs off the rim, or they miss a wide open layup. I know you were a shitty player in high school, and I know you make up for that now by your “I have a HUGE penis” coaching style. Your penis is small. Probably. I don’t really know. But yeah. Doucher.
Dear Coach Whose Teams Won Both The Girls And Boys Championship,
You sir, are a classy guy. It’s a rarity these days to find someone with a desire to win, and a sense of mercy and compassion for programs that don’t have the skill level that yours does. The way you played the game was fundamentally sound, and the scores reflected it. You deserved those wins, and your players did too. When you had our team down 22 to 0 and you told your girls that not one more point they scored was going to be put on the scoreboard, I didn’t hear a single complaint. They almost seemed to understand why you were doing it. I’m proud of you, and I’m proud of your kids. Congratulations.
Dear Kids Who Double Dribbled, Shot At The Wrong Goal, Took 8 Steps Before They Shot, And Those Who Just Generally Aren’t Very Good,
Never give up. Never put down the ball. The dream will keep you up nights, the desire will burn in your heart to play the game. I too, was once like you. I was terrible. I shot at the wrong goal. I had bad shoes. I was pigeon toed and awkward. I had very little talent. What I did have, was determination. I eventually got smarter, grew out of my awkwardness, and was able to have better shoes. Don’t quit this game. It will let you down more than you can possibly imagine, and then it will give you an opportunity to play in a game at the state championships when you’re a freshman. For some of you, like me, those will be the greatest 30 seconds you ever spend on a court. Others will know what it means to win that game, and to have played every single minute with a ferocity and dedication that can only be known by someone WHO NEVER QUITS. I know some of you have shitty parents, and I thank God every day that I didn’t have that to deal with. I know they might yell about fouls, cuss, and get in fights at the game, but don’t let it deter you, don’t let it sway you, and don’t let it beat you. You should always play with sportsmanship, honesty, and integrity, and you should always keep you head held high.
That being said, I’ve got to say this.
This douchebag totally deserved this, and I have never been so happy as when I saw it happen. I’ve watched the replay over and over, and it touches my heart each time.
I hate that bastard.
I will leave you know with a quote from a friend of mine:
When it is played the way it is supposed to be played, basketball happens in the air, flying, floating, elevated above the floor, levitating the way oppressed people of this earth imagine themselves in their dreams. – Ashley Keim