I’m pretty sure I’m not welcome back at Post It Note Tuesday, so I’m branching off.
Why? Cause I’m a bad ass rebel who does what he wants, that’s why.
Well, except for Jessica Alba. She hasn’t returned any of my calls. She sent me a letter though. I know it was her because it had her signature at the bottom. The top said, “Restraining Order,” but she’s not fooling me.
AnyEbert, on with the reviews.
As an employee of a classy establishment like the one I work for, I get to rent movies for free, but I also get to see new releases a week before the rest of you suckers, because they want me to be able to recommend shit.
I’m going to start out with a possible 5 star rating, but I’m going to get more creative with that if I do this again.
I’ve been through 5 new releases this week, and I’m going to call this review:
The Week of Gratuitous Nudity and Violence.
We’ll do them in the order I watched. First up.
Gamer stars Gerard Butler as the exact same bad ass guy that runs around and kills people in all of his movies. Hell, I’m pretty sure he killed a bunch of people in The Ugly Truth. It also has that guy from Dexter, Michael Hall. I haven’t seen Dexter, and if this performance was in any way indicative of his performance on that show, I won’t. If you want to see boobs and blood, this is the flick for you. If you want a plot line that moves slower than me in a 5k, this movie is for you. Basically, Butler has been sentenced to prison for a crime he was forced to commit because ol’ Dexter douche was acting like a god. Then he gets to be a real life video game character, and if he survives 30 matches, he gets set free. He’s survived 27, and shit gets (kind of in a cheesy way) real. The only good part? About a 2 and a half minute dance scene with Michael Hall.
My rating: 2 stars
Up next:
This movie had more blood than the Red Cross. At various times I also saw: A brain, intestines, bone, and I’m pretty sure I saw a soul at one point. That’s how bad people were gettin carved up. It was tragic, y’all. True to form, just about EVERYONE dies. If you saw the first one and liked it, you’ll like this one. No real plot to speak of, just killin and killin, then for a change, more killin. Vinnie Jones is in it, and that means I like it. It is pretty much the exact same movie as Gamer, only with enough twists to leave you wondering where your hat is, and why you wear hats to begin with. Why do I recommend this over Gamer? Because this one never even TRIES to fool you with a plot. Just gives you the bidness from minute one. Go rent it.
My rating: 4 stars
Next!
Synopsis: Pretty girl has a boyfriend. Pretty girl fucks boyfriends best friend. Pretty girl gets caught up. Pretty girl gets shot. Best friend almost gets caught up. Boyfriend nabs wrong guy. Best friend struggles with conscience. WAIT! Boyfriend knew all along. Boyfriend sets up best friend for the murder. Revenge is served. Roll credits. There. I just saved you an hour and a half of your life you’ll never get back. Oh yeah, it’s got that dead chick in it. I mean, like, she died for real. Heart attack my ass, she just LOOKS unhealthy in this movie. I think it’s the last one she ever made. Her death was too early, and this movie was a mistake. Don’t rent.
My rating: 2 stars
Next, please:
Two words. Kate. Beckinsale. That’s all I need to say, right? No, apparently that’s not enough anymore. Did you ever see a movie, and right after the shower scene with Kate go into your kitchen and make some sausage balls? Cause that’s what I did. Yeah, and right before the shower scene? You see like 6 penises. It was ridiculous. I missed 40 minutes of this one while I was making sausage balls, (I guess the inspiration came from the penii?) and I feel like I didn’t miss anything. It was a typical whodunnit, and it was about as predictable as my next bowel movement. (soon) I could tell you whodunnit, but that would make you not rent it, and therefore you wouldn’t get to see the HAWT shower scene. Lots of “grisly images” in this one that make it hard to eat sausage balls. Rent at your own discretion.
My rating: 2 stars
Last new movie:
My first thought upon seeing this in the box of new releases was: “Ricky Gervais is a hell of a funny guy, and Ghost Town was legit.” Go rent Ghost Town. Trust me, even if you’ve already seen it, go rent it instead of this. This movie was okay at best, and downright horrible at worst. He tried really hard to make it work, but honestly, there was too much honesty. That’s real. Most of the movie was just people running around spouting off whatever they thought, because they live in a society that doesn’t yet know how to lie. You might think that’s funny, because you’re here on this blog, and that’s pretty much what I do, but it’s not as funny as me. Is that braggy? I hope that’s not braggy. Anyway, it’s the typical boy chases girl romantic comedy. A few giggles here and there, a few HA!’s, but no belly laughs, and a bit of blasphemy towards the end. I was very disappointed. It is a cute movie though, and would probably be the ONLY movie this week that I saw that I’d recommend for a family movie night. If you’re gonna get something this week, and it has to be kid-friendly, get this.
My rating: 3 1/2 stars
And lastly, I catch up to an older one:
Dear. Sweet. Mother. That’s the summary. I mean, I don’t do scary movies. I was told this one was expertly done, and wasn’t really THAT scary. Ahem. I will say one thing, it was VERY well done. For those of you who haven’t scene (heh) this movie, I would say go rent it, bring it home, and then stare at the case real hard for a while. Then, get down on your knees, and pray to the Good Lord, and ask Him for forgiveness for what you are about to watch, and then just go take a sleeping pill. For sure, that’s going to be the only way you get to sleep that night. This movie starts out kind of corny, but then, shit gets real. Then, before you know it, shit gets even more real. A little while longer, shit gets real AND nasty, and even a little sad. Then, shit gets even MORE real, then SHIT GETS THE MOST REAL EVER. I was disappointed when I thought the movie was over, but for sure, it’s not over. I live tweeted this movie last night, and some of you might have caught that. This was an excellent movie, but not for the faint of heart. I will say this, even though it might be a spoiler. There is a 7 minute long rape scene about halfway into the movie. It is a very GRAPHIC rape scene, and should not be seen by ANYONE under the age of 17. Hell, for that matter, ANYONE at all. However, at the end, when shit is gettin realer than the realest ever, it pays off big time. Go rent this movie if you think you can handle it. It will be worth it.
My rating: 4 stars
I hope you all enjoyed Movie Review Tuesday, and it might be something I do again iffen it gets some comment love! Feel free to share your own feelings about these movies! We have to educate people!