Did I just use a pop culture reference to describe what has turned into a potential serious situation?
Yes I did.
Some of you read my blog yesterday. Others didn’t. If you didn’t, this one won’t make sense, so go back and read up. Also, read my blogs on time from here on out, then you won’t have homework, doucher.
So I get a Facebook message last night. It reads:
“Obviously you need the part in the bible that says Thou shall not LIE! You need to be careful what you say about others! The rath of GOD is much worse!”
Me being the classy guy I am, I responded.
“That’s all well and good, but do I know you?”
From there it disintegrated into a pish posh of her threatening me with stuff like:
You have know idea who I am or who you’re messing with! Don’t say I didn’t warned you! So I think it’s time you stop it!”
Ok that’s fine keep diggin that hole! Just tryin to help ya! Sorry!”
Now it sounds like you can’t handle someone commenting on what you write about people! Uuuummm! Maybe you should think before you speak! Oh and I told you sorry! Won’t try and help anymore! Just FYI!”
So yeah. That’s how I spent my night. Responding to vague threats from a 33 year old “Christian” mother who drives a vehicle suspiciously like the one that I had the altercation with yesterday. I asked things like, “How deep am I allowed to dig?” and “That’s the best way ever to spell wrath.” And the whole time she wouldn’t admit that is was about the blog. THE WHOLE FREAKING TIME.
So I did what any self respecting, red-blooded American would do. I threatened her with legal action.
No dice. She obviously isn’t scared of the long arm of the law.
So here are some scenarios that I’m playing out in my head.
1. She’s a witch. She’s going to put a curse on me, and that’s what she was warning about. Maybe she’s going to pray down the “rath” of God on me. Either way, I can only hope that she does what that dude in that one Stephen King book did. “Thinnerrrrrrrrrrr…” No diets, FTW!
2. She’s going to try to take out some form of “justice” on my vehicle. I’ll be the first to admit, the prospect of paying for tires or an insurance claim is kind of lame. So maybe I can confuse her. I drive a white Mercury Milan. Matter of fact, IT’S IN YOUR DRIVEWAY! SCRATCH IT!
3. She’s going to eventually have me killed in my sleep. In the words of Snoop Dogg, “I done seen everything but God anyway.” Naw. Seriously, I don’t want to die. Don’t kill me. I have so much unfinished business left here like…well, um…let’s see…more blogs? OH! Duke basketball! It’s the start of the season! I don’t want to miss it because we’re going to be REALLY good this year. Also there’s that whole adoption thing. Kids and what not. The love.
So there are my 3 possibilities.
Now for the serious part.
Listen, I know you’re probably reading this right now. So maybe you realize…THAT THERE IS NO SERIOUS PART! This is a HUMOR blog, you ninny, and it will continue to be one. I’m not going to threaten you back, I’m not going to call you ugly and say you can’t read well. Enjoy your time on my blog, and thanks for telling all your friends and family about it so my page gets more hits.
Just try not to give my vehicle quite as many, okay?
ZING.