Something big is going down tomorrow, y’all. Something huge. Something so awesome it can’t really be measured on a scale of awesomeness. It doesn’t behoove me to use the word “epic,” mostly because I hate how that word is overused. But it’s the closest you can get to epic without being disappointing. It’s going to be incredible, and I’m going to be there. And it’s happening tomorrow. What is it? Now that I’ve kept you in suspense long enough, I’ll tell you.
Duuuuuuuuuuuuuude. Did you just watch that? How pumped are you? THEY’RE ALL BAD GUYS THIS TIME AND THE ROCK IS IN IT. How are you not calling for your advance ticket right now?
Now I understand that some of you may have been living under a rock for the past 10 years and may not know anything about the F&F (that’s right I just gave it a nickname) franchise (that’s right I just called it a franchise). So let me get you caught up.
2001. Dude is a cop, he tries to catch some people stealing TVs and DVRs, winds up being compromised and lets his suspect get away. Included the most popular phrase among teens ever recorded in a motion picture: “I live my life a quarter mile at a time…”
2003: This film brings the addition of Tyrese, who will forever be an idiot to me because of “Baby Boy.” There is a Skyline in this movie. It is awesome. Also Ludacris is in it, making it awesome by default. Cop is being given one more shot by the FBI, he of course screws them over.
2006: The movie has a completely different protagonist, it’s set in Japan, and is widely regarded as the worst of the series. I liked it because it had fine Japanese chicks in Hello Kitty skirts and OMG VIN DIESEL WAS IN THE ENDING.
2009: This brings back pretty much all the original cast, minus the smoking fine girl that was Vin’s girlfriend. Lot’s of action, some desert racing, but a little too much CGI. Still though, amazing movie.
2011: DUDE THEY ARE BRINGING BACK THE SERIES AND IT STARTS TOMORROW.
20??: If they stop making these movies I might seriously kill myself. It’s like, what is there to live for anymore, you know? So hear me now, F&F makers, DON’T STOP. Keep this thing going as long as Vin has any kind of muscle tone. If it has to be F&F 56: Hoveround Wars, that’s fine. You keep it going. You can put nitrous on a Rascal and don’t try to tell me you can’t.
So in conclusion, your plans had better involve going to see this movie tomorrow night. I’m going to see it in IMAX, because bigger is better when it comes to that chick in the bikini you saw in that trailer. Also, could The Rock get any more awesome? Yes he can, in IMAX.
p.s. Seriously, I’m excited. I don’t think I’ve been this excited about anything in years, at least since 2009, and they pretty much told us the other day that we were getting kids. Don’t judge me, I like fast cars.
p.p.s. I need to borrow a fast car to drive after watching the movie tomorrow night. I have to put into practice what I just saw. Please make sure that it has a V-8 and full coverage insurance before loaning to me. Also wash it. Thanks.
p.p.p.s. I seriously pulled off the word “behoove” in a post about a movie starring The Rock and Ludacris. I am a literary god.