If you own an iPhone (sorry Android lovers, but it’s supposedly in the works) then chances are you’ve played, watched someone play, borrowed someone’s phone and played, heard of, or seen a passing mention of, the game Temple Run.
This is a contradiction of terms. Trust me.Temple Run is incredibly popular, incredibly addictive, and incredibly frustrating, especially if you happen to be that guy who has completed all the accomplishments EXCEPT joining the ten million point club. I’m not saying that’s me, but…okay, well yeah it’s me, and I’m still pissed.
Work, school, a wife, kids, bills due, tax season, saving to buy a house…and THIS is what stresses me out the most.But that’s not what this is about. This post is about what your Temple Run character says about you. We each have our favorite, and if you look real close, who you use might just tell you something about yourself you didn’t know. So let’s dive into the realms of personal psychology, shall we?Guy Dangerous: Guy Dangerous is the default character and “Just your average explorer.” If you use Guy, there’s a good chance that you’re a Temple Run rookie, and you’ll move on to greener pastures later on in the game. If you are still using Guy after unlocking other characters, then you have an unwillingness to change. You are a stable and stoic person, not prone to mood swings, and are more than likely a staunch member of the deacon board at your local Baptist church. You probably have a Nintendo laying around that you play religiously, and you scoff at anyone who owns any game system with more bits than a SNES. You listen to whatever music was popular the year you turned thirteen, and if you aren’t thirteen yet then you probably listen to your parent’s old Nirvana CDs. If you are old enough to have a love life, it probably reaches its peak every Tuesday at 9:00 PM, because that’s when it has always happened. You’ve never left the country, and you probably would vote for a fence on the USA/Mexico border. You’ve eaten the same breakfast every day for the last ten years and probably carry a pocket planner.Scarlett Fox:If you’re using Scarlett Fox, you probably have trouble starting a savings account, or you have a redhead fetish. You’ve never been at a job longer than six months, and you probably stopped playing Temple Run right after you unlocked her because it cost you all your coins and you couldn’t bear the thought of saving them up again. If you are a guy, you picked her over Barry Bones because she’s a chick and you thought playing with a burly black dude would be gay. If you’re a girl, you picked her because, “my friends say she looks like me,” even though you probably don’t have red hair or her figure. If you’re a prepubescent boy who steals his mom’s phone to play, then you pick her because you don’t really have a thing for Asian chicks yet, which means your mom probably doesn’t trust you on the Internet. Scarlett Fox is the safest pick of the “cheap” characters to avoid any awkward social situations.Barry Bones:You’re probably not a police officer, but chances are you’re a security guard somewhere that isn’t allowed to have a gun on duty and hangs out with a lot of real cops on the weekends. You’re probably more of a basketball fan, or you feel like Barry’s lack of football cleats give him a strategic advantage while running on slippery temple surfaces. You probably have about nineteen thousand coins saved up to buy the Asian chick, and you probably are over the age of twenty. If you’re a white male and you use Barry, you’re more than likely a closet racist who uses him just in case one of your three black friends pick up your phone to play a game. You’re not fooling your three black friends. You’re also probably a Democrat, but you’re going to vote for someone else in the next presidential election. Most women will use this character.Karma Lee:You are probably the type that stays up late watching infomercials and buying things like the “Super Awesome Chamois Whammy Deluxe” and the “Amazing Fast Cooker Roaster Oven Induction Broiler” because, by God, how do they do it so cheap? You more than likely passed on the first three “cheap” characters, saying to your friends, “I know I could buy two of the others, but this is the faster player on the game!” You’re probably older than twenty five, a male, and you’ve probably been married for longer than five years, and you probably have at least two kids and your love life is really suffering. This is the closest you can get to an affair without your wife getting suspicious, so you lock yourself in the bathroom and make Karma Lee jump a lot. You also probably got that joke without having to play the game to make her jump. You have a 401k, good health insurance, and a five year plan, but you can’t shake that infomercial habit, and you probably read a lot of manga.Montana Smith:You’re able to quote every movie line that’s ever come out of the mouth of Harrison Ford. You liked Star Wars, but probably not as much as Star Trek, and you’re a snappy dresser. You prefer beer to wine, even if you’re a woman. You have a terrible habit of trying to keep things in order, and more than likely have an OCD problem that hasn’t been diagnosed because you “don’t trust doctors and hate pills.” When someone asks you what your favorite holiday is, you never say Christmas because that’s expected, so you say “My birthday.” You have a collection of something that your significant other hates and has been begging you to get rid of for years. Your friends see you as the person they want to go out with them because you might do something entertaining and wind up in jail, but you won’t be mad if no one bails you out. Man or woman, your hair is cut short. Your dream job is to be an astronaut.Francisco Montoya: You probably have long hair and wear thick-framed glasses. You live in Seattle, or a place that’s called “little Seattle,” and not in a loving way. You prefer Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, and you listen to music no one has ever heard of. One in five million users of Francisco will actually be a geography buff. You use a lot of gel in your hair, and you’re a liberal who is voting for Ron Paul because no one else will. Your friends all use Francisco, but they won’t ever show you their phones, and they all claim to be using someone else. You drink a lot of coffee, and are probably very skinny and wear clothes from thrift stores, but only “clean” ones. You have pierced ears, but stopped wearing earrings a long time ago and instead pierced something you hadn’t seen anyone else pierce. You have a lot of forearm tattoos and yell at people in job interviews when they ask you if you’d wear a long-sleeved shirt to cover them up. If this isn’t you, then you’re one Portlandiaepisode away from being this person. You claim you can taste the difference between free-range and “tortured” chicken.Zack Wonder:You probably yell a lot, and still think high fiving is cool. You played football in high school, you were terrible, and you moved to a new state and told people how awesome you were. You drink heavily at work lunches, and always try to get everyone else to join you. If you’re under the legal drinking age, then you probably yell at your parents a lot and call them stupid. You probably have your own iPhone, iPad, and iPod, as well as a substantial inheritance coming your way when someone dies. You have fifteen hundred friends on Facebook, but if someone asks you when you last logged on you punch them in the arm just a little too hard and laugh about how lame they are. Society labels you a bully, but your parents insist on telling everyone that it’s just a phase, no matter if you’re thirteen or thirty. You call women “chicks,” and at some point you have worked or will work at either Banana Republic, Hollister, or A&F. You have a gym membership and are on a first name basis with the staff there, as well as the guy that sells steroids. Your whole life revolves around your letter jacket. There is no way you’re a woman, but in ten years you’ll tell your therapist you like to wear women’s clothing around your apartment. You hate all the other characters and yell at the people who use them. You’ve thrown your phone at least once because of the game.So there you have it, folks. The ultimate dissertation of what your Temple Run character says about your personality. These are, of course, only generalized assumptions, and are in no way meant to be construed as sound psychological advice. But hey, I probably got real close, didn’t I?