I would just like to forewarn visitors today that the post you’re about to read contains a good bit of graphic material. Not language, but stuff about the loving. Also, there is a tastefully edited picture of me without a shirt on. Ladies, control yourselves, and proceed at your own risk.
|You’ve been warned.|
It was a normal Monday night, really.
We had breakfast for dinner, watched Home Alone, put the kids to bed, I had a bath, then we watched Sweet Home Alabama.
Okay, so that doesn’t happen every Monday night. Normally I yell at the kids, then The Missus yells at the kids, then they gripe about not having dinner, we throw some hot dogs at them, then yell at each other, and I spend a lot of time petting Fabulous.
But for some reason, last night went well.
As The Missus and I crawled into bed, we began the early stages of, for the courtesy of the reader, what shall heretofore be called “activities.”
All of the sudden, The Missus got a text.
She looked at her phone, said, “It’s a wrong number,” and set the phone down.
As a man, you would think at this point I’d want to pick up where we left off. Resume the activities, if you will.
“Hand me your phone.”
Thus began a series of text messages.
From the get go, Donnel seemed only interested in one thing. He sent me a picture, so I of course asked him if he wanted one back, and I also asked him if he’d like me to be topless as well.
It seemed as though I had captured the young man’s heart. I would like to say I’m ashamed of the fact that my ample bosom could inspire such lust in the heart of a young black man, but we all know I’m not.
The conversation, which I’m sure you’re keen to get back to, continued.
The boy plays football for Ohio State, or so he claims. A quick search of the Internet not only proved he wasn’t from Atlanta, he also didn’t play football for Ohio State and he was listed as “In a relationship” on the Facebook.
So I called him on it. And I also revealed to him a shocking secret.
|I felt like Maury Frickin Povich.|
I then sent him a follow up picture for proof.
|In the interest of you maintaining your current stomach contents, I’ve done a bit of editing.|
Donell never replied, which was fine, because I had “activities” to attend to. By then, The Missus and I were laughing so hard it was almost impossible, but it wasn’t. I will illustrate the union of our love with a tasteful picture.
|I can literally use Kevin Hart to illustrate anything.|
Upon completion of said activities, The Missus was fiddling around with her nightstand drawer.
I heard a loud crash, a half-curse, and then…
Something, I won’t say what, started going off.
It was seriously the best night I’d had in a long time.
I’ve got some random things here to get you through the weekend. I won’t be around much, kids, because daddy has to work late.
First things first, because he’s my homie.
Kid Funk is on iTunes. That’s right, he is. Just search for “A Morning Grey” and he will pop up. He’d also like me to tell you that every time his song is downloaded, a tree is planted, because he’s a philanthropist like that. He’s blowin up, y’all. And if you think I won’t use his future stardom to promote the heck outta this blog, you’re wrong.
You may have heard about this video contest going on over at Lee’s place for her soap. I made a commercial, and so did Moog, Ed, and Corrie. Here’s the thing. A month or so ago, things were ROUGH at the Sloat household. Real rough. So rough, we didn’t really have enough money for groceries. Now, I know I could stand to skip a few meals, but we didn’t really want to do that. However, Corrie had a contest for a comment her son made, and I wound up winning it, using, by my standards, what I call “dirty pool.” I won a $50 gift card, which honestly helped us make it through the month, and my faithful voters were supposed to be rewarded. Well, that hasn’t happened yet, and I honestly don’t see it happening anytime real soon. So, in the meantime, I want you to go vote for Corrie in this contest. Her kid made a commercial, and she promised him the $50 prize money for it if he won. Since I have the most LOYAL followers ever, I don’t think that’s gonna be a problem, is it? 🙂 Just click the word “Lee’s” up at the top of this rant, then vote in the sidebar. Thanks guys!
Oh, and buy some soap while you’re at it?
And lastly, I have some pictures for you.
I was looking through some gadgets for Blogger the other day, when I ran across this gem. Seriously? Bella Swan quotes? Geez, I need to get this up on my page right away so y’all don’t miss one more days worth of sage advice from this vampire loving emo chick with a penchant for werewolves. Seriously. But yeah. Blogger? You might want to just take this off the list.
That’s right. Think about this tonight and all weekend, ladies. It could be you that I’m hammering. Yeah…
And finally, this is a little something I made you to tide you over just in case that last picture wasn’t enough.
In the past week alone, I’ve made fun of some people.
The Jews, the American Indians, Emos, Tyler Hansborough, and idiots, just to name a few.
Somewhere in all that mess, I lost a follower.
I gained two back, but folks, I’m a little heartbroken over here.
So heartbroken, in fact, that I’ve made a video apologizing.
Please come back, lost follower. I don’t know your name, and I’m sorry for that. But I love you, and I miss you, and I’ve gone all emo without you.
Without anymore excuses, here you go, Lost Follower.
Yup. Jeff over at This Is Why Your Hold Time Is So Long fixed my problem! I’m so happy! Not only did he give me a solution, he gave it to me in HTML. I looked at the edit HTML page, and folks, well I almost had a seizure. It looked like someone had set a keyboard down in front of Michael J Fox and told him to type out Othello. (too soon?)
Anyway, a big thanks to him, and for sure, as soon as he picks out a candy bar, I will be mailing him one. Scoot on over to his blog, and read the hilarity that he puts up with on a daily basis. Maybe put him on your follow list. He may give you a car made from eagles.