I would just like to forewarn visitors today that the post you’re about to read contains a good bit of graphic material. Not language, but stuff about the loving. Also, there is a tastefully edited picture of me without a shirt on. Ladies, control yourselves, and proceed at your own risk.
|You’ve been warned.|
It was a normal Monday night, really.
We had breakfast for dinner, watched Home Alone, put the kids to bed, I had a bath, then we watched Sweet Home Alabama.
Okay, so that doesn’t happen every Monday night. Normally I yell at the kids, then The Missus yells at the kids, then they gripe about not having dinner, we throw some hot dogs at them, then yell at each other, and I spend a lot of time petting Fabulous.
But for some reason, last night went well.
As The Missus and I crawled into bed, we began the early stages of, for the courtesy of the reader, what shall heretofore be called “activities.”
All of the sudden, The Missus got a text.
She looked at her phone, said, “It’s a wrong number,” and set the phone down.
As a man, you would think at this point I’d want to pick up where we left off. Resume the activities, if you will.
“Hand me your phone.”
Thus began a series of text messages.
From the get go, Donnel seemed only interested in one thing. He sent me a picture, so I of course asked him if he wanted one back, and I also asked him if he’d like me to be topless as well.
It seemed as though I had captured the young man’s heart. I would like to say I’m ashamed of the fact that my ample bosom could inspire such lust in the heart of a young black man, but we all know I’m not.
The conversation, which I’m sure you’re keen to get back to, continued.
The boy plays football for Ohio State, or so he claims. A quick search of the Internet not only proved he wasn’t from Atlanta, he also didn’t play football for Ohio State and he was listed as “In a relationship” on the Facebook.
So I called him on it. And I also revealed to him a shocking secret.
|I felt like Maury Frickin Povich.|
I then sent him a follow up picture for proof.
|In the interest of you maintaining your current stomach contents, I’ve done a bit of editing.|
Donell never replied, which was fine, because I had “activities” to attend to. By then, The Missus and I were laughing so hard it was almost impossible, but it wasn’t. I will illustrate the union of our love with a tasteful picture.
|I can literally use Kevin Hart to illustrate anything.|
Upon completion of said activities, The Missus was fiddling around with her nightstand drawer.
I heard a loud crash, a half-curse, and then…
Something, I won’t say what, started going off.
It was seriously the best night I’d had in a long time.
|“Haaaaaaay! This is mah wagon, and I know mah blues don’t match, but that’s just me doin me, you know?”|
So yeah. I’m pretty sure I liked dudes at this point. Also, that camper? LEGIT, son. You wish you had a camper like that. And yes, I’m 99% sure that’s the tailgate of my dad’s truck laying in the grass. Classy as sh*t, yo.
Also, moving along, I saw the following things at church yesterday after The Missus pointed them out to me. I had to get a picture, mostly because it’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.
|“No, Herbert. You want to keep on down the hall a bit. Yeah, the sign that says ‘Creepers.’ Yeah, that’s it.”|
The bad thing is, I think I looked just as bad taking pictures by the nursery. I’m pretty sure I’m not welcome back there again.(Hey guys and gals. It’s Memoir Monday time! This is where you write down a story about yourself, steal my button down there, drink a beer, and call it all a win. The only rule is that it has to be true, other than that, there are no rules. I need you to join this week! Once you post, let me know, and I will link you up down there for all my kick ass bloggy followers to go and read! Y’all are the greatest, and I love you. If you want to see all the Memoir Monday posts, just click on the brand new button!!)
Today we have a new segment here on Memoir Monday, as well as a new button! The button was designed by Tamara over at Cheapskate Mom, who will do a great job! Go give her some bidness! Today is Photo Memoir Monday, and I know a lot of you have joined on, and I thank you so much! So… Without further ado, I give you my pictures!
It took 17 years for me to meet her, another 2 to figure out I wanted to marry her, and 7 years later, I’ve realized that I’ve never made a better decision, and in all reality, it was probably actually the last good one I’ve made.
Other Photo Memoir Mondays Today. (GOREAD LOOK AT THEM!)
Matt’s Memoir Monday: Tequila.
Corrie’s Memoir Monday: Don’t Come Home Without A Watch.
Greg’s Memoir Monday: Meeting My Sister.
Erin’s Memoir Monday: Random Thoughts On The Degrees I’m Not Using.
Daffy’s Memoir Monday: Picture MM, The Debut.
Josh’s Memoir Monday: Picture, Or How Travis Stole My Idea From Two Weeks Ago.
Brandee’s Memoir Monday: Proud Momma.
Sharon’s Memoir Monday: Picture Memoir Monday. PLEASE READ DISCLAIMER AT BOTTOM!
Lauren’s Memoir Monday: The Gulf.
Lily’s Memoir Monday: Is It Date Rape If You’re Married?
LB’s Memoir Monday: Mardi Gras Mayhem.
Kim’s Memoir Monday: Eloping Edition.
BigSis’ Memoir Monday: The Photo Edition.
Mandy’s Memoir Monday: My Lighter Days.
June’s Memoir Monday
Juicebox’s Memoir Monday: The Shit Edition.
Sal’s Memoir Monday: I Made Copies.
Moog’s Memoir Monday: Panning For Golden Showers.
Nancy’s Memoir Monday: Valentine Fail.
Bambi’s Memoir Monday
Kat’s Memoir Monday
Kristin’s Memoir Monday: The Picture Debut.I’m guest blogging again today, and this time it’s
Go check that shiz, yo.
Oh, and one other thing.
Jeff over at Badly Drawn Monsters is riding his bike in a Tour de Cure for the diabetes.
I was so thankful that I made him a couple of things.
And here is one for my Twilight fans:
Enjoy the guest blog.
And your lunch.
I love you, Jeff!
I’ve got some random things here to get you through the weekend. I won’t be around much, kids, because daddy has to work late.
First things first, because he’s my homie.
Kid Funk is on iTunes. That’s right, he is. Just search for “A Morning Grey” and he will pop up. He’d also like me to tell you that every time his song is downloaded, a tree is planted, because he’s a philanthropist like that. He’s blowin up, y’all. And if you think I won’t use his future stardom to promote the heck outta this blog, you’re wrong.
You may have heard about this video contest going on over at Lee’s place for her soap. I made a commercial, and so did Moog, Ed, and Corrie. Here’s the thing. A month or so ago, things were ROUGH at the Sloat household. Real rough. So rough, we didn’t really have enough money for groceries. Now, I know I could stand to skip a few meals, but we didn’t really want to do that. However, Corrie had a contest for a comment her son made, and I wound up winning it, using, by my standards, what I call “dirty pool.” I won a $50 gift card, which honestly helped us make it through the month, and my faithful voters were supposed to be rewarded. Well, that hasn’t happened yet, and I honestly don’t see it happening anytime real soon. So, in the meantime, I want you to go vote for Corrie in this contest. Her kid made a commercial, and she promised him the $50 prize money for it if he won. Since I have the most LOYAL followers ever, I don’t think that’s gonna be a problem, is it? 🙂 Just click the word “Lee’s” up at the top of this rant, then vote in the sidebar. Thanks guys!
Oh, and buy some soap while you’re at it?
And lastly, I have some pictures for you.
I was looking through some gadgets for Blogger the other day, when I ran across this gem. Seriously? Bella Swan quotes? Geez, I need to get this up on my page right away so y’all don’t miss one more days worth of sage advice from this vampire loving emo chick with a penchant for werewolves. Seriously. But yeah. Blogger? You might want to just take this off the list.
That’s right. Think about this tonight and all weekend, ladies. It could be you that I’m hammering. Yeah…
And finally, this is a little something I made you to tide you over just in case that last picture wasn’t enough.
Have a good weekend, folks. Now go vote!WARNING: Lazy post ahead. Proceed at your own boredom.
When I get out of the shower every morning, I laugh. And not because I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. It’s because I see this:
Here is a picture that I took on Christmas Day, right before my family went sledding.
I am Ninja Travis. And you should fear me. Oh. And the Blue Devils.
And finally, well, I really don’t think this needs words.
Last, but certainly not least, my sneaky way to link up with the other Post It’s this week, hosted by Supah Mommy, who will probably bitch at me for doing this, if she can find which post it I’m under.
Love you guys.
Please love me back?
It’s Christmas Eve.
I wake up this morning, and my phone is ringing.
Aww… I bet it’s someone calling to wish Christmas cheer! YAY!
Why is the number out of state?
“This is Travis.”
“Hi Travis, we’re just calling about your past due payment…”
It’s CHRISTMAS EVE.
Now, I could go on a tangent about how lame it is to get a collections call on Christmas Eve, but I’m not going to. Instead, I just want everyone that has to work today and tomorrow know that I’m thinking about them, and I don’t think it’s fair. I will respect your feelings, and I won’t be doing any business at stores today or tomorrow, because I feel that it supports the corporate idiots that think the service industry shouldn’t be allowed any got dang family time during the holidays.
So. Collector guy? Merry Christmas. And thanks for being a little lenient with me today.
Also, I think we’d all be wise to remember the reason for the season this year and every year. A wonderful and forgiving God Almighty looked ahead and saw that we’d never make it in this life without a Savior who would take all of our sin, drag it to the cross, and in the process, offer us eternal life with Them in Heaven.
So a couple thousand years ago, He sent us His Son.
He did it for you.
Merry Christmas, blog readers. We love you guys, and I’ll see you back on the day after.
I guess I should end on that, but I don’t think I’ve made you laugh yet. So…
To you and yours,
Travis and The Missus
…And now I’m going to deliever them. I’d call it a Wordless Friday, but it doesn’t have the same ring as Wordless Wednesday, and also, well, I’ve used words.
Anytext, here you go. I’ve also included a little something for Ed, may his tiny vas deferens rest in peace.
This next one goes out to Ginger Mandy, who is trying to start a LOLFetus craze.
This next picture is quite edgy, but I promised it to some of my “chatty” readers. Also, before you white people get too worked up about me being a “racist,” I’d like to say that I sent this to a black person last night, and she said, and I quote, “I laughed. Then I felt kind of bad for laughing.”
And finally, the last and maybe the least funny of them all. But I couldn’t resist.
Also, I really think you should go HERE and watch this video. Now, I’m not gonna lie. While I don’t consider it blasphemy, I think it’s treading water in the kiddie pool next to the blaspheme pool. Anyway, it was done by my buddy Moog over at Mental Poo. If you like the video, go check him out. He’s a wicked funny guy, and he always leaves comments about how he’ll sleep with your wife.
(Writer’s note: The black person I asked was Zan. She’s a follower of mine, and I want to thank her for her honesty and service. Also, I want to give a shout out to Moog for getting me started on the whole de-motivational poster thing. ALSO, start making LOLFetus photos and send them to Ginger Mandy!)
Lately some people have been doing caption contests.
This is kind of like that.
I just need your comment. The funniest one, wins. And no this isn’t related to my funniest comment of the week game.
This is a picture of the reading material currently in my little brother’s (The Groom) bathroom.
What does this say to you?
Can I get 50 comments on this, people?
(Hey guys and gals. It’s Memoir Monday time! This is where you write down a story about yourself, steal my button down there, drink a beer, and call it all a win. The only rule is that it has to be true, other than that, there are no rules. I’ve had about 5 people regularly start doing it, and that’s wicked cool! Let’s try to get a few more! Once you post, let me know, and I will link you up down there for all my kick ass bloggy followers to go and read! Y’all are the greatest, and I love you. If you want to see all the Memoir Monday posts, just click on the book!)
Normally I have to spend at least a week trying to figure out what I’m going to post for my Memoir Monday.
It never comes easily. (TWSS)
But anyway, this week, there wasn’t a lot of thinking to do.
You see, my wonderful home town of Okay, Oklahoma, decided to have its first annual Christmas Parade. It’s a town of less than 500 people in the northwestern part of Oklahoma. (update: It was was so rudely brought to my attention in the comments that Okay is in fact in the northeastern part of Oklahoma, not the northwest. Yes, I am an idiot. Thank you, Anon.)
I promised my readers that I would be there to cover this story in all of its white trash glory, and I didn’t fail you.
The song comes courtesy of Montgomery Gentry, and it’s called, Merry Christmas From the Family.
This is really all the introduction you need, however, I want to say two other things.
The guy at the end that is labeled the coolest ever actually stopped traffic to lean over to me and say, “I charge 25 dollars a picture!” Yeah. I got it for free, and he actually posed for me.
Also, the ambulance didn’t throw any candy at all.
Other Non-Parade Routes Down Memory Lane This Week. (GO READ THEM!)
Whoa Mumma’s Memoir Monday
Daffy’s Memoir Monday: The Big Catch.
Joshua’s Memoir Monday: The Break In.
Kimi’s Memoir Monday: The Day I Told The Truth About Santa.
I’ll announce the contest first. I’ve started picking up some new people around this place, and they’re probably all going to leave soon iffen I don’t give something away.
Y’all comment real good though, and that’s the basis of the contest.
I’m going to start taking what I consider to be the five funniest comments each week, placing them in a poll, and letting you guys vote on which ones you think are the funniest. The winner will get a fancy certificate I’m going to make up that will basically say you are the funniest person in exsistance, Dane Cook be damned.
If you win five certificates, I’m going to give you a more tangible award, probably not announced until that happens, and suited to your personal tastes. I guess that’s my way of saying that I will spend money on you. Before you go getting all excited, remember, I got rent and a car payment. And before you go saying, “Well, that’s not bad,” remember that I also have to feed myself.
Yeah. Epic, right?
Anyfat, on to the pictures.
This guy was at a basketball game I went to on Tuesday. He pulled these things out of his POCKET, and started trying to sell them to some guy, and then started trying to tell him how to use them. Yeah, there’s a technique, but geez. Tie your line to it and throw it in the water. You know? It’s not as if it needs to come with a set of instructions. I can only assume that the guy made a sale, because the two rednecks shook hands and parted ways with smiles.
You might want to click that one to make it bigger. (TWSS)
Yeah. Who in THE SWEET BLUE FLYING FUCK asked for this production? I mean, forget TSO or the Mannheim Steamroller or the Nutcracker this holiday season. I’m going to see Legally Blond: The Musical.
Aren’t you? Don’t you want me to try to win you free tickets as well? I mean dang, I think I just found my first prize for the comment contest. Were the movies that good? Did I miss something in them that warranted a Broadway production? I mean, that could be legitimate, because for most of the first one, I had my hand in my pants. And honestly, I thought the whole first movie was actually a sequel to Clueless.
I didn’t catch the second one.
These next few are of me arranging the deer in my brother’s (The Groom) yard.
The first one kind of looks like I’m trying to stimulate the poor buck, and the second kind of looks like I’m joining in on the fun. But the end result was quite hilarious, and the only thing I didn’t do was plug the things in and get a video of it. That’s my bad. I dropped the ball on that one. As of right now, (11 PM) I haven’t heard from my brother, which means he must not know I did it. Seeing as he never reads my blog, I may be in the clear.
And these are of the upcoming Christmas parade in my hometown of less than 500 people. You can bet your sweet ass I will be out there covering it, and will give you a full report plus pictures.
There you have it folks. Hope you enjoyed the pictorial, and for sure, if you have any suggestions on the comment contest, let me know!
I’ll be back tomorrow with Conversation posts, one from Kid Funk, and one from The Missus, and also a picture of me meeting a blog buddy in real life for the first time!