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The Fisher of Stories

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In the past few days I’ve discovered some thing about myself, and I thought I’d share them with you.
1. My head ALWAYS leans to the left. I’ve become very aware of that recently. If I am resting my fat head, it always leans to the left. I look like a freaking Boston Terrier. Just a tilted head all the time. I blame it on the fact that I truly do have the biggest head of anyone I know, I boast a fitted hat size of 8 1/4.
2. It’s taken 28 years, but I finally learned how to swing a softball bat. We played a pickup game last night, and I hit two home runs. That’s the same amount I hit in about 25 games last year. I don’t know what changed, but yesterday was the first game of the year, and I swung at the first pitch and knocked it out. I know what you’re thinkin, “This guy is talking about softball? My 13 year old slightly lesbian granddaughter with the thick calves can hit it out of softball field.” That’s all well and good, but I’ve never been good at sports that require a bat. Don’t judge me.
3. I still trust people way too easily. And I still get burned.
4. I’m way more excited and way more worried about getting kids now that it’s so close. I’m excited because I get to be a dad, and because The Missus gets to be a mom, but I’m worried about two little strangers moving in to our house. Also, does anyone know the policy on returns? I kid…
5. I’ve finally figured out how to argue with someone and not be mad at them. On a related note, I’ve learned how to explain my beliefs without shoving them down someone’s throat. I may not be patronized by the church, but I like to think I’m planting seeds. In reality I think I’m just planting a bunch of pissed off people.
6. This one is hard to admit…but I’m a…I’m a…slow driver. Over the last few weeks, with the exception of getting to work and class, I’ve looked down at my speedo and have seen the needle at a very disturbing 55 MPH in 65 zones. Folks, I don’t like that. It used to be that I was king of the roads, demanding the peak performance out of my 1997 Ford Scort and my 1995 Chevy 1/2 ton. Now? Now I see people pass me and think, “What’s their hurry?” I really think I need to be injected with hormones. I’ll take the acne again, and I don’t mind getting erections at weird times because now I’m married and my wife has to sleep with me when that happens. IF ONLY IT WILL MAKE ME DRIVE LIKE A TEENAGER AGAIN.
7. Speaking of teenagers, my tolerance for them is slowly dropping. I blame Facebook, mostly. If I see one more person talk about me needing to see who views my profile, I’m going to punch them in their zit riddled face. I can’t say I’m totally innocent on these charges, because the other day someone I trusted may or may not have posted about boobs accidentally coming out on a TV broadcast and I may or may not have clicked on it, and I may or may not have been phished. All of those are mostly mays. I immediately deleted the automatic post, changed my password, and felt horribly ashamed of myself. Like, the kind of shame you would after walking out of the beaded off portion of your local video store and running into, say, the pastor of your church. The person I got this from is not a teenager, but I’m still blaming the teenagers.
8. Bald eagles have become a good luck charm. When The Missus and I see a bald eagle, good things happen. We’re planning a trip this summer that involves lottery tickets and a bald eagle habitat. We’ll let you know how that goes.
9. I’m addicted to StumbleUpon. They have an extension that plugs into the Chrome browser, and that button just looms up there, begging to be clicked. And clicked again. And clicked again. I’ve seen more of the internet in the last 2 months than I’ve seen in my life. And let me tell you folks, it gets pretty weird out there. Weirder even than hitting the “Next Blog” button. If you have work to do, I highly suggest not even getting involved in it. If you have 24 hours to kill and plenty of Rhoto handy, then go for it. I seriously love Rhoto. It’s like cocaine for your eyes. Kid Funk can back me up on that.
So there you have it. Just some self-observations I’ve noticed in the last few months. Feel free to share yours in the comments if you want, I have the normal comments turned on again for all those that had trouble before. I’m leaving the FB comments up though, we’ll see how it works with both of them. On this day last year, I sat down at a computer, and I typed my very first blog. Prior to that, I had been reading Johnny Virgil over at 15 Minute Lunch, Diesel over at Mattress Police, and Shine over at Shine Out Loud, and I decided that since they were making people laugh, I would too.

So I created this little slice of heaven. Few of you probably remember my original layout. It was really gay. I won this new thing in a contest, one of many things I’ve won.

Let’s review a couple of things that have happened in that year.

1. My very first blog follower was Statgirl, although Jeff over at Bad Monsters joined real quickly.
2. My blog started attracting Google searchers when I wrote a post about Birthday Sex
3. Tamara from Cheapskate Mom found me when she Googled that song for a post, then I won her caption contest, further increasing my follower count.
4. I got pissed when I couldn’t get over 50 followers and vowed to you that I wouldn’t be concerned with it anymore. I lied. I now have 258. I want more, dammit. Tell your friends. Now. Seriously. Do it.
5. I’ve had 5 jobs in the last year…you’ve heard about them all.
6. I started Memoir Monday in August of last year, and I’ve slacked on it here lately. It will come back, I promise.
7. I learned that racism in Kentucky doesn’t get you near as many comments as a good poop story.
8. I joined the ranks of TMI hosted by LiLu, and further increased my traffic.
9. Kid Funk got a blog…then neglected it like my last 4 fish.
10. I FINALLY got Shine and Johnny Virgil to comment on a post. Still waiting for Diesel.
11. I’ve shown you all more than once that I still have daddy issues.
12. I introduced you to The Missus
13. I’ve won about $200 worth of stuff over the past year.
14. I tried to write a novel in a month
15. I encountered the great diet epic fail of ’10
16. My popularity peaked at 56 comments…on a poop story
17. I told the entire blog community I have a small penis, prompting Shine to have a weird conversation with a co-worker
18. I WOUND UP ON THE TYRA BANKS SHOW. Thanks once again to Tamara at Cheapskate Mom.
19. I tried out for The Biggest Loser…and failed…
20. …but I really won, because when I started blogging one year ago today, I weighed in at 370 pounds. This Sunday when I weigh in, the scale is going to say under 300, and I’m throwing a party. You’re invited.
21. I participated in a real life blog get together called TAR in St. Louis.

Over the last year I have made friends and lost friends, both real and virtual, and it has been one hell of a ride. I’d like to say this would go on forever, but unfortunately that’s not possible. I have chosen the one year anniversary of my blog to tell you that I’m shutting this place down.

Naw. I’m just yankin ya. I gots shit going on right now, folks. That’s why I’m so slow on posting. But right now, we’re trying to get The Missus pregnant, we both have new jobs, we’re both losing weight, we’re trying to exercise, and really, the blogging world has me pretty jaded right now. I’ll be back though, and in the meantime I’m trying to pump just enough posts into this thing to keep it afloat. I did the same thing to your mother that one time we were stranded at sea.


Seriously though, I love you all, and this has been one hell of a ride. I look forward to what the next year brings, and it damn well better bring me smaller titties.

Stay up.

That’s what she said.


The 2nd blog today. My fans are truly lucky! This is just a random blog that is catching you up on some things around the Sloat house. And there are pictures!
The other day, I got in the shower and saw this.

Come on guys. You know what I was thinkin. “I could totally just put shaving cream on my face and shave. Not even have to use my hands. This could be a real time saver!” I didn’t do it. I might, but I can’t get past the fact that it’s been used to shave legs.
Also, I mentioned in my last FB post that I was stealing Internet. I have some pictures on how that is happening.

The firt picture shows a USB wireless Internet thingy suspended from my roof overhang with 12 pound test fishing line, and a paneling nail. The second picture is the cord running through my window and into my computer. My brother in law brought the USB thingy over, and this was the only way we could get an unlocked signal. So thank you, unsuspecting neighbor! If you look in that second picture on the window ledge, you’ll see I even show you the nails, and what appears to you to be a screwdriver. I fooled you though. It was my hammer. Sure, it might TECHNICALLY be called a screwdriver, but it worked.
After all that stressful labor, I went fishing. Didn’t do a dang bit of good. So lame…